Sick of being sick

Well, I've been in school about 3 weeks now and i've finally gotten everything mellowed out and into a schedule now. I have my classes on a fast track schedule, so the work load is crazy! (basically a semester is normally 4 or 5 months long but i'm doing it all in 2 months or less) I am getting very excited about going back to Russia again. I cant believe its been a year already! I will be having final exams the week before i leave, so i've been slowly packing things i wont need here such as snow jackets and boots. i somehow ended up almost completely packed, i just need to add my toiletries and pj's basically. this has helped me feel a little bit less stressed about trying to get everything done because i have one thing almost finished. i am also sick for the third time in the last month. i was sick with some throat problem all last week and now i have a cold. I just want to be healthy again, but i think the lack of sleeping and all the stress is making it hard for me to stay healthy. i hope i wont get sick while i'm over in Russia like i do every year. its so annoying. other than school and being sick all the time, not a whole lot has happened. I am currently working on the fundraising for my trip right now, i have already turned in $1450 but i still need to raise another $3550. so much money! i know that God will provide though. I just need to trust Him. Praise Him always!

signs of doubt

i think i might be a little bit off. i didn't once doubt the fact that we'd be going to camp this weekend and yet it was canceled. was i ever really supposed to go to the high school camp at all? God, you know how much i wanted and needed that. why have you taken it from me? there are times that i start to doubt if i'm really supposed to be going of to moscow or not. i mean i know that God has ordained this and He's been setting all of this up but now i have no money. i have no way of paying for this trip and getting over there. God, how and when will you provide? you're seriously starting to scare me. like really bad. am i supposed to go? please just tell me. i'm so frustrated with this waiting and not knowing. then i've been having doubts about rendell. i really like him and he cares about he alot. i could basically barf right in front of him and he'd still adore me. is he bringing me down in my walk? no not really. but is he supporting me in it? no not really. i am walking all on my own in this relationship and i'm supposed to somehow be maintaining the purity for both of us. thats alot of pressure and self control that i dont have. rendell says that he'll wait for me while i'm in Russia. is it better for me to break things off with him so he isn't forced to wait? i mean i understand that he is willing but how long will he really last? i mean he said so himself that he hasn't even reached love yet. that's not too promising. also, what's going on with shawn? i mean i understand the whole thing about him being busy but if he has time to text me that he doesnt have time, than he has time to text a response. i feel like i kinda freaked him out with all my rendell questions. like maybe it traslated as me saying i'd break up with him for shawn or something. chelsae says he's backing off because he's falling in love with me. now that is something i highly doubt. i've already given him reasons to lose respect for me. i mean, i ask him for prayer for purity. he hasn't even kissed a girl yet, what interest would he have in me? none. so that's obviously not the situation. i'm just really confused. he's one of my best guy friends and i dont even have his support right now with all of this going on. i hope he isn't separating himself because there's stuff going on in his life. i hope he isn't depressed again. i hope he's alright. i really do love that guy. i miss my shawnathon. hopefully some of these answers start clearing up soon. i dont like confusion.

Get a grip, Teresa

in an effort to observe tradition, i will start of this post by saying: i haven't updated in a while. its been almost a month if we want to get down to specifics. it continues to be a difficult season for me but again, i should expect that with the upcoming trip. allow me to do a short recap of what i've been up to before i start complaining about my life. well for new years me, chelsae, and rendell all went to Mikael's house. we played apples to apples for a while and ended up heading home around 1130 to avoid all the drunk people. i no longer work at kohls anymore. i did my 3 shifts and now they're done with me. i am now working with hope and chelsae in the carpet cleaning business. its alot of hard work and you actually earn your money as opposed to folding clothes in a store. i just finished my second job with them today actually. i'm getting better already. i've been trying to save up whatever money i earn, but its somehow magically disappearing. i don't quite understand it. i also did the jr high retreat with the girls. it was a good growing time and i was able to work things out with their leadership. me and rendell broke up for a grand total of two days as well. it was really stupid and just a miscommunication. we're back together again. it was a really hard time for me, dealing with breaking up with rendell, not having a job, and trying to figure out my trip. i was really concerned about posting some things i was dealing with because i was afraid people would read it and it would become a problem. when i finally finished greiving dillon's HIV, i found out what was wrong with my sister. i mean we always knew something was wrong with her but we never knew what specific category she fell under. well she was finally diagnosed. my sister is schitzophrenic. i have been sworn to secrecy so she wont be singled out or anything. so i have to bear it completely alone. even after almost a month of knowing, i'm still trying to fight the tears from rolling down my cheeks as i write about it. my sister is crazy. she sees and hears things that aren't actually happening. then she goes to therapy and finds out half of her life was a dellusion and lie. then remains medicated for the rest of her life. schitzophrenia is a degenerative problem. if the medications dont work, she'll eventually lose any grips with reality. how is that not psychologically damaging to know that will happen to your own sister? i've been feeling like i'm beyond repair with the amount of stress that is being thrown at me right now. i need the high school camp so bad but yet it was canceled because of the stupid snow! gah! i hate the snow! i hate how all of the paperwork i need to fill out all depends on each other and cant be done before each other. which one freakin goes first? i hate how school isn't working out at all, i'm in 2 classes this semester. two. i hate how i have no money for my trip. i hate how bad my insomnia's getting. i hate that i've become an emotional wreck over the last two months. i hate that i can't seem to catch a break. i hate that i have no control over my life. sometimes, i really do just hate my life. clarification: am i suicidal or anything? no. just frustrated. Praise Him Always!...somehow.

Tis the season to go shopping?

well clearly nobody actually reads this thing since nobody said they read it. this is probably a good thing. this means i can be totally honest about what i think and leave all filters behind. my little blog, remains entirely my own business. very nice. well my christmas eve went well. we went to the smiths house and exchanged gifts. being the smart alecs that they are, they actually got me a victoria secret card. oh dear. it was fun though. we played some singing game on the wii and did rock band and stuff. pretty entertaining if you ask me. chris and corina can't sing to save their lives. christmas was good as well. i went home in the morning to open presents with everyone which was nice. i miss being around my family a little bit. then we went down to chula vista to chill at my grandma's house. it was good. though a little bit weird because uncle bill was being really nice. i dont know what he's trying to do. probably get back in everyone's good graces again. nice try uncle retard. aunt tina continues to not quite fit with our family too. you would think after all these years, she would learn...oh well. after an early dinner, some laughs, and a couple glasses of wine, we went home. then i went back to clare's house to spend christmas night sick and miserable. not so nice. the day after christmas, we went shopping to use up some of the gift cards. i got so much stuff and haven't even put a dent in all the cards i still have. its so crazy! rendell was bored out of his mind, of course. towards the end, he started losing it so we gave up and left. i think i might go shopping again with chelsae for a little bit today before the party but i'm not quite sure. yep. its becoming rather boring at this house the longer i stay. however, i'm finally making progress on bre's scarf. its almost done. i'm still debating if i want to make her a beanie to go with it or not. hmmm. i'm getting antsy with the whole russia thing, i don't know where i stand on all of that. i need to start coming up with money and i'm kinda scared to be honest. it doesn't seem like enough time to come up with all the money. i have alot of paperwork i need to start filling out too. bleck. i'm ready for school to start, so i'll have some busy work to keep my mind off of it once in a while. plus, the sooner school starts, the sooner i'll be done and i'll find myself on a plane getting ready to start a new life. *sigh* sounds pretty nice. i'm so ready to move over there! there's so much i want to do. alas! a text from chelsae! some entertainment finally! Praise Him always!

animal farm

dillon has been tested once again and his t-cells are still at a healthy level, no aids yet. well my life since getting back out of school primary revolves around house sitting and watching large quantities of animals. i stayed at aunt amy's house until yesterday. it wasn't bad. gus and echo are pretty easy dogs, let them out to go to the bathroom and feed them once a day. their cat banzai is another story. she's pretty easy to take care of since she pretty much doesn't eat. it was nice to have a companion while i was sleeping too. she's quite the cuddler, unfortunately she likes attention all night. i have now moved to claire's house, where i will be living until jan 7. jan 8 will be the junior high retreat. its going to be kinda busy with all the pet care that goes on in this house. between 4 dogs, there's alot of strange needs. i have been woken up a woppin 3 times last night after i finally crashed after midnight. looks like i'm going to have to find new ways to sleep or this cold will become bronchitis as always. i'm hoping to beat this trend for once and only have a cold. bronchitis really does get old after a while. last night was nice though. my mom could tell from my voice that i was sick when i talked to her on the phone. so her and nana came over with soup, cornbread, pie, and the movie julie and julia. i ended up inviting sarah gorton over to watch the movie with us since she was down the street. so that was cool to hang out with her. then we went back to her house and i was finally able to talk to shawn and see what was going on. a relief to hear he's doing better, its been a long hard road for him but i think he's pulling through. :) so proud of my little shawnathon. we watched some comedy clips on youtube for a while too. i finally left their house about midnight and was so grateful for eileen's bed and some sleep. i called rendell before i went to bed, as is tradition, and we talked about our days. apparently by that point though i was sick and grumpy, at least that's what i was told. i'll have to watch my demeanor while i'm sick. i don't want more people to think i'm being grumpy....so i have to wonder, how private is this blog? does anyone read this or are my thoughts kept to myself? if you read this please tell me, i want an idea of how many people know what i really think. (you don't need an account to comment)

Praise You when I'm laughin...Praise You when I'm cryin?

well i have one more day of school left: tuesday. i survived "hell week." it wasn't as bad as i had thought. i currently sit in front of a blank page that waits to be filled with my words and thoughts. yet, nothing comes. i sit here feeling..nothing and everything at once. i feel blank and yet i feel like darkness, sadness, tears, anger, and betrayal. how could it get to this? i remember running around with him this summer looking for a place to get him tested. the tests came back negative. no std's. Praise God. "let that be a lesson to ya" i said. "no more sleepin around" however, i finally get that dreaded message. "hun, i have HIV." it didnt register at first and i just said i'm sorry. that was friday night when i was half asleep. saturday morning comes along and i vaguely remember talking to him the night before. i look back at my messages and my heart stops. i don't know what to do say or think. i'm frozen. then i recall when i happened passively watch rent once. flashes of the character angel sitting in a hospital bed dying of aids keep running through my mind. i remember seeing a man in san francisco so skinny he looked like he was in the holocaust victum. "aids" my mom said. "one of the worst diseases to die from." and suddenly reality floods over me. his HIV will turn to AIDS and he will die. a slow and painful death. i curl up in a ball and lose any will to get up. "you have to get up and be strong for him. you have to see him." chels's getting me up. how can this have happened? how did he not learn with the first scare? how long will it stay HIV? how much longer do i have with him? how am i gonna survive without my dill? i've known him too long. we've been too close. God please don't make it soon!

Time, time, can I have more time?

well i have finally gotten some of the information from new generation. jill and jenny both e-mailed me this morning. i will be leaving march 15 and i will stay for 3 months. i received the application information today too. i have to fill that out this week and give it to the people who will have to fill out the recommendations as well. i honestly dont have time for everything that i need to do. its sometimes overwhelming. i haven't slept in days and yet i see another sleepless night coming tonight. with so many homework assignments and papers to write. its hard to finish it all. i know God can help me succeed but at the same time its frustrating. i haven't had time to do any other homework this weekend because of the plays. i need a nap and yet i dont have time for one. i'm also rather wired because things are finally moving forward with all of this. i am so excited to finally see a little tiny bit of progress. God is good. now i just need to come up with the funds even sooner! goodness! stress! Praise Him always!