Super Awkward Fake Date with Leattle

Lea seems to believe that this story deserves to be told in my blog, therefore, it is getting its own entry. so, true to the theme in my life, i have ended up in yet another awkward situation. yesterday, i went to layne and claudette's house as usual (the youth pastor and his wife) to workout with claudette. layne had decided that he wanted to go to see the latest narnia movie that's currently out in theaters. so, he sent out a message on facebook and invited people to come see it with us. after running home and washing up, i blasted over to the theater since layne had said it would be crowded. i got there at 7, like i was told, and only lea and ryan were there. so i went to hangout with them and once layne and claudette arrived, ryan took off. all was fine and dandy until a certain understanding came upon me and lea, this looked alot like a double date... hmm... the situation quickly became awkward and me and lea continued to have huge fits of laughter. we had heard that our head pastor, Gary, would be coming and were relieved there would be an odd number of people. much to our dismay, Gary brought his wife and it turned into a triple date. now, you would think it wouldn't be all that bad since there's now six people all together, however, Gary has a history of trying to set us up. cue another layer of awkward. we now have 2 pastors and their wives looking at us with curiousity and making comments about how we're still in our first date awkward phase. shoot. me. now. a mother and son from our church arrived as well and helped difuse a small portion of the awkwardness, until the mom started making sound effects as she reacted to the entire movie. Overall it was a highly entertaining, highly awkward situation. would i ever want to relive this situation? probably not. Will me and lea have laughs about this one for a while? definitely. lea, ultimately i think our first date was a fail. and yet it was a win at the same time... hmmmm. now to mess with Gary's mind... Praise Him Always, leattle!

Candy Canes and Other High Priorities

Well, quite a few things have changed since i last updated this blog. I choose to believe that i haven't updated for a while becauase i have been busy with excitement in my life as opposed to the laziness (which is the reality) take it as you will. Well, the church split has pretty much blown over and those that insist on causing problems are no longer members of our church. once again, God has gardened our church and removed the weeds if you will. me and my friend have once again returned to talking, praise the Lord. We have taken our alotted time apart and have been able to return to a friendship that is no longer spiritually distracting. Sometimes we have to let go of the things that are most important to us, because they become more important than God. that's when we can no longer have them. we shall have no other gods before Him. We also had our Christmas play last weekend. while it was extremely frustrating at times, including learning our lines the day of the performance; it was a blast. The performances went smoothly, praise God, there were a couple of screw ups but it was good overall. I did manage to start laughing during my solo, which was embarrassing but i think it provided some entertainment for the audience. I am officially finishing my first semester at grossmont on tuesday and i am so happy. i am done with math! i can't help but feel like this semester went extremely quickly and that my russian class should be going longer but such is life. on to the next chapter! russian 2 and biology! I'm a little concerned about taking those two at the same time but i know its possible. getting ready for an action packed christmas break and i can't wait for it to start on tuesday. finals that morning, then off to grandma's in SD and then back to temecula for girls night with melissa. as cliche as it sounds, remember the true reason for this season. while candy canes and presents tend to be high on my list of favorites, its not the most important thing. Remember Jesus Christ made all of this possible. Praise Him always!

Spiritual Attack Is Never Pleasant

Well today, we have officially experienced another church split. While these happen periodically within the church, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, they seem to get harder. Maybe its the fact that i have now lived through 4 church splits and the whole experience is starting to get extremely frustrating. Although it might be the fact that this time my family was personally involved. While our head pastor was the primary person being attacked, my parents and our worship leader's wife were also lost in the mix. It is hard to show strength, love, and forgiveness for the rest of the church when you feel that the things being said are a personal attack on your family. Yes, i do feel that some of the people involved were deliberately stirring up strife (which btw isn't biblical) and i believe some others were just mislead by the gossip. I cannot deny the feeling this past year, that our family has been under complete and total attack. This church split is no exception. Our family is dealing with alot of crap that other people don't know about, and i'm sure many other families can say the same. So why are we expected to maintain an image of strength and courage when really we want to crumble under the wait? My dad is currently up in his room, sick to his stomach with the amount of stress and pressure this is putting on him. So of course, i went to the meeting and showed my support of him. God comes first, yes, and then comes family. Only after both of these comes friends. My family comes before any false relationships i may have believed i had within the church. Am i deeply offended and disturbed by the way some people have acted? yes. Will i forgive and forget? with time. But for now, i think i need some more time away from some of this body. I cannot continue to show support to people who i do not believe are following God. A walk with Christ doesn't always provide alot of friends and support, apparently this is one of those times. However, God is faithful and He's brought me through this year; He'll continue to do so, this i know for sure. Praise Him always.

A Time To Let Go

One of my weakest areas is letting go, surrendering. I have fought so hard for this relationship to work but if God isn't in it, it won't succeed. i had to say goodbye to a very close and important friend today, something i never wanted to do. I didn't have the strength to do what i knew i had to, thankfully he did. we've become too close, it became consuming, it became our focus instead of God. I have to wonder how and when this happened, what was it that made us fall and focus on each other instead of God. Looking back, i realize alot of it was progressive. With each new trial or obstacle, we would somehow get even closer instead of falling apart, leaned on each other for support and came to each other for encouragement and laughs. on the surface that all seems fine and dandy, but when you come to each other before God, there is a problem and he wont be in it. we have to take a step back, take a break, let each other go. i believed this would be something that lasted for life, we both did, and i like to believe that one day God will redeem our friendship and let us have it back again. is that more of my inability to let go of what i hold so dear? is that more bondage, me having the hope of being able to return someday? but then, every time i see him and look at those eyes i see home, love, comfort, and support. everything he's been for me this past year or so. besides God, he was my one consistancy through this crazy year. how can i not hold onto that? how do i let go? on my own, i really don't have the strength. i've tried this last month or two and keep failing over and over again, i can't let go. God continues to pry my grip off of this, one finger at a time and yet i still hold tightly. what will it take for me to let go? it keeps getting harder and harder to hold onto what's being taken away, since i wouldn't give it up willingly. i'm finally wearing out and getting to that exhausted place where all that is left is surrender. God, i've spent so much time bargaining with you, telling you i'll only let go if i can have it back later, but i'm tired and exhausted and have no place else to go anymore. i give up. you win. Praise Him always!

My Talents Amaze Me

one of my most notorious traits: getting myself in ridiculous situations. I mean really? sometimes i even amaze myself with my stupidity and ability to create a situation that should never exist. i have finally found myself in a situation that even my friends can't help me fix. under normal circumstances my friends can look from the outside and see here this is what you should do. nope. i ask for suggestions and 2 people give me a verse that has nothing to do with the situation and the other 2 just tell me that they dont know and that i'm in a sticky situation. really? wow. thanks. i didn't know that before you told me... One of the few people i ever thought i would end up having a problem with and i manage to somehow end up with a problem. sheez... if i had just thought twice about sending the e-mail, or if i had maintained my relationship with her while i was in russia, maybe none of this would've happened. i want to maintain a relationship with her but now she thinks i'm only in this to gain her approval to date her son. i want to get to know her cause i think she's really cool, fun, and has alot of wisdom to offer. i don't like that she's questioning my motives. it makes me feel guilty when i want to contact her now, like i'm doing something i shouldn't. am i doing something wrong? should i not be initiating a relationship with another christian woman? it sucks because i can't even tell her that i dont want her approval for her son. i do, the reality is, i do wish she approved of our relationship but i wish she could see that this isn't why i want to talk to her. i dont know what to do. do i continue trying to contact her and risk her thinking i'm still trying to gain her approval? or do i leave her alone for a while and seem to confirm her suspicions that i was only talking to her for her son? man! God, i need you to fix this becuase right now i just don't know how to. i don't want to lose the opportunity to have a good relationship with her God, i think she's amazing. i know that nothing i do or say can ultimately change her opinion of my motives, make them clear to her, God. help her to understand that i truely admire her as a woman and that i'm not just using her. God, you know the desires of my heart and you know that this relationship is what i desire. you know my wants and frustrations and you know what an amazing blessing he's been in my life. if its your will, please somehow clear the way for this to happen in your timing. your will alone though, God. Praise Him always!

Girl Time is essential

well i have been in school and without Natalie for about a month or so now. life in california is finally starting to mellow out and kinda settle into a basic routine. i have finally begun to re-establish relationships with some of my girls again, i wasn't the best at keeping in contact while i was in Russia and New Jersey. i am so happy to finally be working with my high schoolers again. i have missed them while i was gone. we are beginning to start working on the youth group and making changes to improve it and its focus. we are trying to get the messages deeper and provide more for the youth, shallow meaningless messages is not something that we want to continue. similarly, we are now gonna start working on dividing the girls and guys once a month so we can delve into some deeper things with them that you can't always do with a mixed audience. i am now officially the girls teacher once a month. should be interesting... and growing... i think i'm ready for the new challenge though, i sometimes need motivation to dig deeper so this will be good. we also want to start working on some more discipleship for the kids in the youth group. one on one time is so helpful when you can get it. i'm so excited to see how the kids and the leadership will be affected by these changes, hopefully it will be powerful in our lives. lastly, the only other change is that amy is once again in the hospital. i have been spending most of my time helping april with all of it. being the adult and taking responsibility for everything since she can't seem to right now, along with being the comfort to the family. its hard to always remain strong for them and act like i can handle everything all the time. they need calm and strength and God apparently has me in that position right now for them. sometimes its hard to not show my fears and frustrations in this situation. God give me your strength and your wisdom becuase watching Amy's mind fall apart a second time while dealing with the same thing with my sister is tearing me apart. Be what i can't. Praise Him always!

Round 3: California

Well i did finish out my time in russia which was amazing of course. i survived the hard times there and came out stronger because of them. God places every situation and moment over there in my life for a reason. I cannot thank him enough for the opportunity i had to work over there. i ended up coming home for only about a week and i was busy taking care of school stuff and packing up before leaving again for new jersey. that was also a trying but rewarding time. some of the kids that i worked with over there had some extremely difficult lives to live and i was amazed that they were still pulling through. alot of the girls were very hard to work with but in the end i was able to see changes in some of them and that's a blessing. i did end up meeting a guy there as well. however, dating is not in our future. i do sometimes tend do jump into things i shouldn't and this happened to be one of them. however, as stupid and hurt i felt by the whole situation, it helped remind me to be content with what i have here. it reminded me of some of the amazing things i have in my life here and sometimes you really dont need any more than that. i am back in school once again and wishing i wasn't. i am also still looking for a job back here in california. in most ways i have readjusted to life in california but in some ways, i have definitely changed during this 6 month period and i will never fit exactly into that same mold i was in before. my family life is still completely different from the way its been the last 22 years. i think it will take me quite a while to get used to the new strains in our house. the court date has been postponed until october 22 and then we find out if my parents and i have custody or not. this has been a long a difficult battle, that i still dont understand the purpose of, i'm still frustrated with it and wish things would just go back to how they were. but there seems to be no end to the nonsense with this. where is the end of this God? why are you still toying with my family and our lives? what is it you're doing because i really cant see it. so much of this feels meaningless and painful. i just want some rest from all of this, i want back out of california. God give me rest, peace, and faith. Praise Him always!

a change of direction...again

Well i have been in Russia for around a month now and i can't say that it's been easy. i have gotten sick three different times since i've been here already. i am still sick with the third one. i went through some drama about two weeks ago where some of my friends weren't even talking to me and i felt all alone in this foreign country. i was left with nobody to talk to except the very guy i decided to stop talking to. very frustrating place to find myself in, stuck alone in a country where i dont speak the language. i suddenly found myself wanting to give up and just go back home to california. i was so homesick and hated my situation. english camp was good besides the drama that was happening, God was growing me. my kids are all sick right now so i haven't been able to meet with them yet unfortunately. i loved my group of kids and can't wait to hangout with them again)) as much as i came here to work with these very kids, it has been very difficult to get in contact with them. however, i have been able to meet with some of my past students and have been working with them until my new kids get well again. now i am beginning to feel God pull me in a different direction, i am seeing alot of work to be done in stancyia mir and maybe God is calling me to help work on it. this is going to be a difficult task since i do not have any position here to tell people what to do and i have strained relationships with some of them. however, i have been through these same situations in our youth group at home and know how to work through them. i am hoping to start doing some kind of bible study with the girl leaders in this group. if you help the leaders, they can help the kids. this is yet another step of faith over here. Praise Him always!

Christianity takes Sacrifice and Discomfort

well i have been here about a week and a half now and it has been alot of change. i have been able to see all my friends over here and hang out with them for a little bit. so its been really nice. i get along with my roommates really well now and i will probably maintain relationships with them even after we all move out. i have mostly been going to alot of long and boring meetings lately, mostly to work out details for the english camp. i was able to meet up with my adel for a while yesterday and really talk to her about alot of things that have been going on in her life. it was cool being able to have a heart to heart with her. i think she really needed it. i have been having a really hard time lately being focused on God and what i need to do. unfortunately guys have been a huge distraction when i wish it wasn't. i have been praying for about a year now for God to take away these feelings and this distraction and He still hasn't done that. he's in so many of the same places i am now and its so frustrating and hard not to care. i have asked some of my friends to really pray about this for me. i do not want anything to distract me while i'm here, i want my focus to ever be on God. i really let go of control of all of this situation because over the past year, i haven't been able to solve the problem in my own power. i eventually came to the conclusion that there was only one way to solve this problem. i talked to him this morning and explained the situation. i told him that yes i had feelings for him unfortunately and its very distracting. so i couldn't come up with any other answer but to tell him that we can't talk anymore unless its important or for ministry. i am saddened that i had to mess with this friendship and make it awkward but i want nothing to stand in between me and my walk with God and my feelings were in the way. he was thankfully very understanding and supportive. i didn't want to think i was mad and stopped talking to him or anything, so i explained it all. hopefully this is the solution and answer to prayer. if GOd wants something to happen, He can work around this situation but i will not be the one to try to force this to happen. His will and His will alone. Praise Him always!

Priviet Russia!

well, the time has finally come for me to move to Moscow. All those months of desperately trying to raise money in time and mounds of paperwork have finally paid off. I am currently sitting in my apartment in Moscow. this cold and dark city somehow still manages to maintain a sort of beauty and draw to it. my flight was pretty good. it was definitely the longest trip to Russia i've ever had to endure but thankfully it felt like my fastest. the time flew by probably by the grace of God. I clearly felt everyone's prayers around me through the entire trip. I should've been stressed out, tired, and lonely but i felt none of those things. I had pretty bad jetlag my first night and i was a walking zombie on monday and tuesday. however, i am finally back in action and ready to take on this new adventure at full speed. in alot of ways i still dont feel like i have moved here. i feel like i am only here for a visit and in many ways i am. i am not a permanent resident of russia. i am a guest for the next 3 months and as such i am to remain on my best behavior. everything i do during this trip will be carefully watched and considered as the leadership decides if they want me to come back for a more permanent stay. at this point in time, i am very much ok with that possibility and dont want to go back to the states. i'm told however, that i am due for some serious culture shock and homesickness in about another week or two when the americans leave again and i'm still here. prayer will definitely be needed for that part. God, i pray for this trip, that you would use it to the fullest. that you would allow me to do your work your way and in your timing. allow none of me to take control of my time here. May it all be for you. Please dont allow drama among other girls or guys become any kind of distraction for me. please remove my concern for the cctv youth group while i'm gone. please comfort and protect them through this time. please allow me to still be there for them when they need me as well. please allow me to be a witness to my kids over here and anyone else i come into contact with. do not let me miss any opportunities to glorify You. i pray that you would give me the energy, finances, and time i need to accomplish all these things according to your purpose. I praise You and love You. In Jesus' name. Amen.

One month later

Well, i have finally finished being sick every other day and have been restored to health. the stress level hasn't diminished yet but on occasion it does lower. i have raised quite a bit of money lately i'm at $3,785 i think. i still need another $700 to "survive" but i'll need more to be able to actually do things. school is almost done, i am one 10 page paper and 2 finals away from being free. i am so happy that its almost over again. i will be leaving for moscow very soon. in about 10 days. i'm so excited and so nervous at the same time. i can't wait to see my friends and hang out with them and work with my kids. i understand though, it comes at a price. i have to say goodbye to everything i know. that brings some weight into the mix. though i feel an almost constant state of excitement, i cant help feel worry and sorrow. i know i can't blame myself for chelsae's decision to date matt but i know that my leaving is why she is so anxious to find someone. she's afraid to be alone for those 3 months. I also cant help feel severely guilty about leaving the youth group. i mean i understand that i dont own the youth group and i'm not the most important person there but i also know that i hold a big piece of it. as much as layne and scott do to allow us to go on the retreats, i end up taking care of alot of the organisational stuff. I'm afraid they're gonna leave the paperwork or something at the retreat in a few weeks. also, i know that the kids wont open up to layne, scott, or claudette. i'm the one that all of them talk to about everything. i'm the one that has to deal with all the problems and i'm the one that resolves them. i cant help feeling like the youth group is gonna fall apart or go nuts while i'm gone. i feel like i can't help them like i normally do, if i'm gonna be gone all this time. i also feel like something is gonna go really wrong with my sister or dillon while i'm gone. i can't shake that feeling and it really scares me. i mean, i wont be there to do anything about it. are these irrational fears? i'm not really sure. i'm also kinda afraid i'll end up getting homesick or hardcore culture shock even though i've been there a million times. i guess time will tell...Praise Him always!

Sick of being sick

Well, I've been in school about 3 weeks now and i've finally gotten everything mellowed out and into a schedule now. I have my classes on a fast track schedule, so the work load is crazy! (basically a semester is normally 4 or 5 months long but i'm doing it all in 2 months or less) I am getting very excited about going back to Russia again. I cant believe its been a year already! I will be having final exams the week before i leave, so i've been slowly packing things i wont need here such as snow jackets and boots. i somehow ended up almost completely packed, i just need to add my toiletries and pj's basically. this has helped me feel a little bit less stressed about trying to get everything done because i have one thing almost finished. i am also sick for the third time in the last month. i was sick with some throat problem all last week and now i have a cold. I just want to be healthy again, but i think the lack of sleeping and all the stress is making it hard for me to stay healthy. i hope i wont get sick while i'm over in Russia like i do every year. its so annoying. other than school and being sick all the time, not a whole lot has happened. I am currently working on the fundraising for my trip right now, i have already turned in $1450 but i still need to raise another $3550. so much money! i know that God will provide though. I just need to trust Him. Praise Him always!

signs of doubt

i think i might be a little bit off. i didn't once doubt the fact that we'd be going to camp this weekend and yet it was canceled. was i ever really supposed to go to the high school camp at all? God, you know how much i wanted and needed that. why have you taken it from me? there are times that i start to doubt if i'm really supposed to be going of to moscow or not. i mean i know that God has ordained this and He's been setting all of this up but now i have no money. i have no way of paying for this trip and getting over there. God, how and when will you provide? you're seriously starting to scare me. like really bad. am i supposed to go? please just tell me. i'm so frustrated with this waiting and not knowing. then i've been having doubts about rendell. i really like him and he cares about he alot. i could basically barf right in front of him and he'd still adore me. is he bringing me down in my walk? no not really. but is he supporting me in it? no not really. i am walking all on my own in this relationship and i'm supposed to somehow be maintaining the purity for both of us. thats alot of pressure and self control that i dont have. rendell says that he'll wait for me while i'm in Russia. is it better for me to break things off with him so he isn't forced to wait? i mean i understand that he is willing but how long will he really last? i mean he said so himself that he hasn't even reached love yet. that's not too promising. also, what's going on with shawn? i mean i understand the whole thing about him being busy but if he has time to text me that he doesnt have time, than he has time to text a response. i feel like i kinda freaked him out with all my rendell questions. like maybe it traslated as me saying i'd break up with him for shawn or something. chelsae says he's backing off because he's falling in love with me. now that is something i highly doubt. i've already given him reasons to lose respect for me. i mean, i ask him for prayer for purity. he hasn't even kissed a girl yet, what interest would he have in me? none. so that's obviously not the situation. i'm just really confused. he's one of my best guy friends and i dont even have his support right now with all of this going on. i hope he isn't separating himself because there's stuff going on in his life. i hope he isn't depressed again. i hope he's alright. i really do love that guy. i miss my shawnathon. hopefully some of these answers start clearing up soon. i dont like confusion.

Get a grip, Teresa

in an effort to observe tradition, i will start of this post by saying: i haven't updated in a while. its been almost a month if we want to get down to specifics. it continues to be a difficult season for me but again, i should expect that with the upcoming trip. allow me to do a short recap of what i've been up to before i start complaining about my life. well for new years me, chelsae, and rendell all went to Mikael's house. we played apples to apples for a while and ended up heading home around 1130 to avoid all the drunk people. i no longer work at kohls anymore. i did my 3 shifts and now they're done with me. i am now working with hope and chelsae in the carpet cleaning business. its alot of hard work and you actually earn your money as opposed to folding clothes in a store. i just finished my second job with them today actually. i'm getting better already. i've been trying to save up whatever money i earn, but its somehow magically disappearing. i don't quite understand it. i also did the jr high retreat with the girls. it was a good growing time and i was able to work things out with their leadership. me and rendell broke up for a grand total of two days as well. it was really stupid and just a miscommunication. we're back together again. it was a really hard time for me, dealing with breaking up with rendell, not having a job, and trying to figure out my trip. i was really concerned about posting some things i was dealing with because i was afraid people would read it and it would become a problem. when i finally finished greiving dillon's HIV, i found out what was wrong with my sister. i mean we always knew something was wrong with her but we never knew what specific category she fell under. well she was finally diagnosed. my sister is schitzophrenic. i have been sworn to secrecy so she wont be singled out or anything. so i have to bear it completely alone. even after almost a month of knowing, i'm still trying to fight the tears from rolling down my cheeks as i write about it. my sister is crazy. she sees and hears things that aren't actually happening. then she goes to therapy and finds out half of her life was a dellusion and lie. then remains medicated for the rest of her life. schitzophrenia is a degenerative problem. if the medications dont work, she'll eventually lose any grips with reality. how is that not psychologically damaging to know that will happen to your own sister? i've been feeling like i'm beyond repair with the amount of stress that is being thrown at me right now. i need the high school camp so bad but yet it was canceled because of the stupid snow! gah! i hate the snow! i hate how all of the paperwork i need to fill out all depends on each other and cant be done before each other. which one freakin goes first? i hate how school isn't working out at all, i'm in 2 classes this semester. two. i hate how i have no money for my trip. i hate how bad my insomnia's getting. i hate that i've become an emotional wreck over the last two months. i hate that i can't seem to catch a break. i hate that i have no control over my life. sometimes, i really do just hate my life. clarification: am i suicidal or anything? no. just frustrated. Praise Him Always!...somehow.