Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
confessions of an adult herion addict???
well it has definitely been a while since i have written on here. so much has changed. i've been back from russia for a while now and i had been working on getting back over there to do a stent for a year. i finally have resolution on that, i will be moving over there march of 2010. school? well i didn't go this semester but i am starting back up again in january. as well as promoting at that time. me and jake dated for about 5 or 6 months but it did not end smoothly like we would have hoped for. there were issues with jealousy, insecurity, and trust that we could not resolve and chose to return to just friends. there were weaks of fighting and frustration but we are once again on good terms.
however, this is not my purpose in returning to this profile. i have returned to this in order to vent my frustration, betrayal, and hurt. maybe i am overreacting, "making a big deal out of nothing" but somehow i don't think so. i have discovered that my friend is in fact a heroin addict. i have seen the signs for a while now. somebody once jokingly said "he's tweaking" i laughed and brushed it off but it has in fact, remained in the back of my mind to fester and grow. i continued to watch his jitters, pacing, his vomiting, lack of appetite, and weird sleeping patterns. yet i told myself i was reading too much into it, imagining things. that's just his personality. then one day he is throwing up uncontrolably to the point where i thought i'd have to drive him home or to the hospital. says he ate something weird or is getting the flu. i take it at face value.
next thing i know he's disappeared. doesn't return calls or texts. nobody knows where he is. suddenly a call from his brother. he's in the hospital. two more weeks of nothing. a month later he comes back, says he had some serious condition, that it was taken care of and that he went to a rehabiliation center to restrengthen his muscles. once again i believe but wonder what this condition is. i ask and he just says its complicated. i let it go.
later i borrow a book from him. beautiful boy. the story of an addict. with every page i turn, the signs begin to present themselves to me. i continue to ignore. the farther i get in the book, the more i see it until they are throwing themselves at me and screaming it in my face. "he's addicted to something!" i know it is not meth like the kid in the story but i don't know my drugs well enough to identify which one it is.
suddenly some truth. something revealed. a little light in all the darkness and confusion. a friend of his. "he's been doing heroin. he overdosed and ended up in the hospital." "don't ever tell him you know, he's so embarrassed" this isn't the first time i bring it up to him. "are you on drugs?" once again "no." i want to believe him so badly. i do anything i can to continue to convince myself that everything is ok. that he isn't lying to me. that he would trust me enough to tell me if something was happening. no. i can't hide it. its lies. he's addicted. i'm deceived. i'm a fool. i can't even look his friend in the eyes for fear of breaking down in front of him and the rest of the people around us. i continue to shut off the emotion, the fear, and the betrayal. but as i type this the reality is slowly dawning on me. he is addicted and i can't help him. i can't save him, and i can't cure him. i can only watch, pray and hope. hope for a future for him. hope that he'll stay sober. hope that he'll one day be honest with me about it. now i sit here fighting the tears that so desperately want to stream down my face, i take in the reality that my tears will not help, save, or even phase a heroin addict.
however, this is not my purpose in returning to this profile. i have returned to this in order to vent my frustration, betrayal, and hurt. maybe i am overreacting, "making a big deal out of nothing" but somehow i don't think so. i have discovered that my friend is in fact a heroin addict. i have seen the signs for a while now. somebody once jokingly said "he's tweaking" i laughed and brushed it off but it has in fact, remained in the back of my mind to fester and grow. i continued to watch his jitters, pacing, his vomiting, lack of appetite, and weird sleeping patterns. yet i told myself i was reading too much into it, imagining things. that's just his personality. then one day he is throwing up uncontrolably to the point where i thought i'd have to drive him home or to the hospital. says he ate something weird or is getting the flu. i take it at face value.
next thing i know he's disappeared. doesn't return calls or texts. nobody knows where he is. suddenly a call from his brother. he's in the hospital. two more weeks of nothing. a month later he comes back, says he had some serious condition, that it was taken care of and that he went to a rehabiliation center to restrengthen his muscles. once again i believe but wonder what this condition is. i ask and he just says its complicated. i let it go.
later i borrow a book from him. beautiful boy. the story of an addict. with every page i turn, the signs begin to present themselves to me. i continue to ignore. the farther i get in the book, the more i see it until they are throwing themselves at me and screaming it in my face. "he's addicted to something!" i know it is not meth like the kid in the story but i don't know my drugs well enough to identify which one it is.
suddenly some truth. something revealed. a little light in all the darkness and confusion. a friend of his. "he's been doing heroin. he overdosed and ended up in the hospital." "don't ever tell him you know, he's so embarrassed" this isn't the first time i bring it up to him. "are you on drugs?" once again "no." i want to believe him so badly. i do anything i can to continue to convince myself that everything is ok. that he isn't lying to me. that he would trust me enough to tell me if something was happening. no. i can't hide it. its lies. he's addicted. i'm deceived. i'm a fool. i can't even look his friend in the eyes for fear of breaking down in front of him and the rest of the people around us. i continue to shut off the emotion, the fear, and the betrayal. but as i type this the reality is slowly dawning on me. he is addicted and i can't help him. i can't save him, and i can't cure him. i can only watch, pray and hope. hope for a future for him. hope that he'll stay sober. hope that he'll one day be honest with me about it. now i sit here fighting the tears that so desperately want to stream down my face, i take in the reality that my tears will not help, save, or even phase a heroin addict.
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