Spiritual Attack Is Never Pleasant

Well today, we have officially experienced another church split. While these happen periodically within the church, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, they seem to get harder. Maybe its the fact that i have now lived through 4 church splits and the whole experience is starting to get extremely frustrating. Although it might be the fact that this time my family was personally involved. While our head pastor was the primary person being attacked, my parents and our worship leader's wife were also lost in the mix. It is hard to show strength, love, and forgiveness for the rest of the church when you feel that the things being said are a personal attack on your family. Yes, i do feel that some of the people involved were deliberately stirring up strife (which btw isn't biblical) and i believe some others were just mislead by the gossip. I cannot deny the feeling this past year, that our family has been under complete and total attack. This church split is no exception. Our family is dealing with alot of crap that other people don't know about, and i'm sure many other families can say the same. So why are we expected to maintain an image of strength and courage when really we want to crumble under the wait? My dad is currently up in his room, sick to his stomach with the amount of stress and pressure this is putting on him. So of course, i went to the meeting and showed my support of him. God comes first, yes, and then comes family. Only after both of these comes friends. My family comes before any false relationships i may have believed i had within the church. Am i deeply offended and disturbed by the way some people have acted? yes. Will i forgive and forget? with time. But for now, i think i need some more time away from some of this body. I cannot continue to show support to people who i do not believe are following God. A walk with Christ doesn't always provide alot of friends and support, apparently this is one of those times. However, God is faithful and He's brought me through this year; He'll continue to do so, this i know for sure. Praise Him always.

A Time To Let Go

One of my weakest areas is letting go, surrendering. I have fought so hard for this relationship to work but if God isn't in it, it won't succeed. i had to say goodbye to a very close and important friend today, something i never wanted to do. I didn't have the strength to do what i knew i had to, thankfully he did. we've become too close, it became consuming, it became our focus instead of God. I have to wonder how and when this happened, what was it that made us fall and focus on each other instead of God. Looking back, i realize alot of it was progressive. With each new trial or obstacle, we would somehow get even closer instead of falling apart, leaned on each other for support and came to each other for encouragement and laughs. on the surface that all seems fine and dandy, but when you come to each other before God, there is a problem and he wont be in it. we have to take a step back, take a break, let each other go. i believed this would be something that lasted for life, we both did, and i like to believe that one day God will redeem our friendship and let us have it back again. is that more of my inability to let go of what i hold so dear? is that more bondage, me having the hope of being able to return someday? but then, every time i see him and look at those eyes i see home, love, comfort, and support. everything he's been for me this past year or so. besides God, he was my one consistancy through this crazy year. how can i not hold onto that? how do i let go? on my own, i really don't have the strength. i've tried this last month or two and keep failing over and over again, i can't let go. God continues to pry my grip off of this, one finger at a time and yet i still hold tightly. what will it take for me to let go? it keeps getting harder and harder to hold onto what's being taken away, since i wouldn't give it up willingly. i'm finally wearing out and getting to that exhausted place where all that is left is surrender. God, i've spent so much time bargaining with you, telling you i'll only let go if i can have it back later, but i'm tired and exhausted and have no place else to go anymore. i give up. you win. Praise Him always!