Tis the season to go shopping?

well clearly nobody actually reads this thing since nobody said they read it. this is probably a good thing. this means i can be totally honest about what i think and leave all filters behind. my little blog, remains entirely my own business. very nice. well my christmas eve went well. we went to the smiths house and exchanged gifts. being the smart alecs that they are, they actually got me a victoria secret card. oh dear. it was fun though. we played some singing game on the wii and did rock band and stuff. pretty entertaining if you ask me. chris and corina can't sing to save their lives. christmas was good as well. i went home in the morning to open presents with everyone which was nice. i miss being around my family a little bit. then we went down to chula vista to chill at my grandma's house. it was good. though a little bit weird because uncle bill was being really nice. i dont know what he's trying to do. probably get back in everyone's good graces again. nice try uncle retard. aunt tina continues to not quite fit with our family too. you would think after all these years, she would learn...oh well. after an early dinner, some laughs, and a couple glasses of wine, we went home. then i went back to clare's house to spend christmas night sick and miserable. not so nice. the day after christmas, we went shopping to use up some of the gift cards. i got so much stuff and haven't even put a dent in all the cards i still have. its so crazy! rendell was bored out of his mind, of course. towards the end, he started losing it so we gave up and left. i think i might go shopping again with chelsae for a little bit today before the party but i'm not quite sure. yep. its becoming rather boring at this house the longer i stay. however, i'm finally making progress on bre's scarf. its almost done. i'm still debating if i want to make her a beanie to go with it or not. hmmm. i'm getting antsy with the whole russia thing, i don't know where i stand on all of that. i need to start coming up with money and i'm kinda scared to be honest. it doesn't seem like enough time to come up with all the money. i have alot of paperwork i need to start filling out too. bleck. i'm ready for school to start, so i'll have some busy work to keep my mind off of it once in a while. plus, the sooner school starts, the sooner i'll be done and i'll find myself on a plane getting ready to start a new life. *sigh* sounds pretty nice. i'm so ready to move over there! there's so much i want to do. alas! a text from chelsae! some entertainment finally! Praise Him always!

animal farm

dillon has been tested once again and his t-cells are still at a healthy level, no aids yet. well my life since getting back out of school primary revolves around house sitting and watching large quantities of animals. i stayed at aunt amy's house until yesterday. it wasn't bad. gus and echo are pretty easy dogs, let them out to go to the bathroom and feed them once a day. their cat banzai is another story. she's pretty easy to take care of since she pretty much doesn't eat. it was nice to have a companion while i was sleeping too. she's quite the cuddler, unfortunately she likes attention all night. i have now moved to claire's house, where i will be living until jan 7. jan 8 will be the junior high retreat. its going to be kinda busy with all the pet care that goes on in this house. between 4 dogs, there's alot of strange needs. i have been woken up a woppin 3 times last night after i finally crashed after midnight. looks like i'm going to have to find new ways to sleep or this cold will become bronchitis as always. i'm hoping to beat this trend for once and only have a cold. bronchitis really does get old after a while. last night was nice though. my mom could tell from my voice that i was sick when i talked to her on the phone. so her and nana came over with soup, cornbread, pie, and the movie julie and julia. i ended up inviting sarah gorton over to watch the movie with us since she was down the street. so that was cool to hang out with her. then we went back to her house and i was finally able to talk to shawn and see what was going on. a relief to hear he's doing better, its been a long hard road for him but i think he's pulling through. :) so proud of my little shawnathon. we watched some comedy clips on youtube for a while too. i finally left their house about midnight and was so grateful for eileen's bed and some sleep. i called rendell before i went to bed, as is tradition, and we talked about our days. apparently by that point though i was sick and grumpy, at least that's what i was told. i'll have to watch my demeanor while i'm sick. i don't want more people to think i'm being grumpy....so i have to wonder, how private is this blog? does anyone read this or are my thoughts kept to myself? if you read this please tell me, i want an idea of how many people know what i really think. (you don't need an account to comment)

Praise You when I'm laughin...Praise You when I'm cryin?

well i have one more day of school left: tuesday. i survived "hell week." it wasn't as bad as i had thought. i currently sit in front of a blank page that waits to be filled with my words and thoughts. yet, nothing comes. i sit here feeling..nothing and everything at once. i feel blank and yet i feel like darkness, sadness, tears, anger, and betrayal. how could it get to this? i remember running around with him this summer looking for a place to get him tested. the tests came back negative. no std's. Praise God. "let that be a lesson to ya" i said. "no more sleepin around" however, i finally get that dreaded message. "hun, i have HIV." it didnt register at first and i just said i'm sorry. that was friday night when i was half asleep. saturday morning comes along and i vaguely remember talking to him the night before. i look back at my messages and my heart stops. i don't know what to do say or think. i'm frozen. then i recall when i happened passively watch rent once. flashes of the character angel sitting in a hospital bed dying of aids keep running through my mind. i remember seeing a man in san francisco so skinny he looked like he was in the holocaust victum. "aids" my mom said. "one of the worst diseases to die from." and suddenly reality floods over me. his HIV will turn to AIDS and he will die. a slow and painful death. i curl up in a ball and lose any will to get up. "you have to get up and be strong for him. you have to see him." chels's getting me up. how can this have happened? how did he not learn with the first scare? how long will it stay HIV? how much longer do i have with him? how am i gonna survive without my dill? i've known him too long. we've been too close. God please don't make it soon!

Time, time, can I have more time?

well i have finally gotten some of the information from new generation. jill and jenny both e-mailed me this morning. i will be leaving march 15 and i will stay for 3 months. i received the application information today too. i have to fill that out this week and give it to the people who will have to fill out the recommendations as well. i honestly dont have time for everything that i need to do. its sometimes overwhelming. i haven't slept in days and yet i see another sleepless night coming tonight. with so many homework assignments and papers to write. its hard to finish it all. i know God can help me succeed but at the same time its frustrating. i haven't had time to do any other homework this weekend because of the plays. i need a nap and yet i dont have time for one. i'm also rather wired because things are finally moving forward with all of this. i am so excited to finally see a little tiny bit of progress. God is good. now i just need to come up with the funds even sooner! goodness! stress! Praise Him always!

Praise Him in my confussion, Praise Him in my clarity

well its been another month since i've updated this thing. as always i slack on this thing. well me and Rendell had our 2 months on wednesday. my parents still dont know about it since Rendell hasn't been at our church the same sundays my dad is. He still wants to ask my dad's permission. i dread that day. they shred all of my guys apart. i still have the same confusion about everything. i still wonder if this is right. ally is still sure he's not right for me and i still have alot of people telling me i'm gonna marry a certain russian. this is so confusing sometimes. i'm tired of everyone telling me this. I'm not in Russia, wait till i like there to tell me this please. God, take away this distraction. Find him and mold him because i don't have the patience to do it myself. on the topic of Russia, i have been asked if i still want to do a stint over there. i begin the application process in about another week or two. i hear there is lots and lots of paperwork. apparently i will probably be living with anya in her apartment which would be cool. i will probably be staying for well over a year which i'm a little leary about. i'm mostly scared that either everyone will hear about it and then i wont be able to go. so i'm keeping this to myself, which is rather difficult. i am also still in total shock about the amount of money i will need to come up with. sacha said it would probably be around $55,000 i hope she's wrong! well, i will be finishing school early because i'm not sure when i'm moving. all my classes are fast track and i will have my degree in march before english camp. i'm really concerned about all of this because its a really large load. i'm struggling to keep up sometimes and i'm afraid i'm going to fail my statistics class. God you will have to do a miracle on this one. Please have mercy and supernaturally give me the time and understanding to succeed in this class! Please give me guidance in all of these things as i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing right now. I am flying blindly and trusting You know what we're doing. I know that you have had your hand in this whole stint process God. I have finally done what you wanted me to do and I've accepted that i am in California for the time being. as i've finally let go, you've finally given me the go ahead on this and i'm so thankful. each of my problems have slowly been clearing to allow this to happen. you changed jenny's heart about me working there, you've provided me with a job, you've provided me with support, and next for the funds. Praise You Always!

How do I make the nothing in my wallet into something?

well, i no longer work for Kelly's coffee shop. they relocated and said they would call me when they were settled in again. however, i don't want to stay with them since they're so sketchy. so i didn't make it to marina's wedding like i had hoped i would. i am currently completely broke. school is still the same, i'm doing much better with it though, i'm staying more focused but i still hate it. me and Rendell have been dating now for 1 month 11 days. it has been going really well too. we celebrated our one month anniversary by going to Bj's for dinner and planned on seeing fame but we were both too tired. we have been working on the christmas play for a while now too. the practices are going well and most people know their parts now but the girls need to be in sync for this to work correctly. halloween is also this weekend. i think i'll probably just go 50's for the church party. apparently i'm dressing like a cop for chelsae's party though. should be interesting...i also found out that the first russia meeting was this last sunday. i was a little upset that i wasn't informed about it but amy caught me up. apparently its march 20-april 2 and its $3200. ouch. i have no idea how any of this is going to work because i still don't have a job. i know that russia is where i'm supposed to be though so it'll work. i'm being told by someone that it won't work until i break up with Rendell because i'm not doing what God wants me to do by dating him. what's that about? i'm so frustrated by that but its still in the back of my mind... crap.

Thanks a latte for the job offer..

well its been a little while since my last post. school is well on its way now once again. carissa moved out about a week or two ago to live with her mom again. its kinda sad actually, cause we never see each other anymore and never talk. i'm not a fan of this new found distance. i have a job once again in a coffee shop. i work at kelly's at the mall. i'm happy to be working with coffee again, its such a good fit. even though the owner's son is a total weirdo and i get like no hours. i'm thinking about getting a second job becuase i really need to be making money, especially since i want to go to florida for the wedding, though i know it wont happen. i need to start saving for english camp too, its not far away at all! as always, i'm struggling to keep motivated and interested in school but i'm doing better than i used to so that's good. i really wish i was a good student who studied hard and did really well. i need to do well if i want to transfer anytime soon too. the relationship status has changed as well, chelsae's roommate's best friend rendell proved to be really cool actually. we were in this weird transitional state for a while but we went official sept 18. so we've been together for a little while now. its been really cool. i'm really impressed with him actually. its hard to explain it but the way he treats me is something i have never truely experienced. he's so tender and careful with the way he acts and treats me. i hate to admit it, but i'm totally falling for this dude. we'll see where it goes, i'm excited for the adventure either way. Praise Him always!

I Have Joined the Race for Knowledge

well the eternal, or yearly in this case, search for knowledge has begun once again. yes, school has started. while i generally find school a rather distasteful place, i rather enjoy my classes this semester. i'm a little concerned about my statistics class cause i struggle with math but i think i'll be ok with jorgen's help. also my reading class is a complete and total waste of time but again, nothing i can't handle. however, my world religions class is always an interesting one, full of new information for me to dive into. as well as my english class, where my professor continually finds these captivating stories. let the learning process continue! things have once again settled in temecula. the girls are gone, and carissa is back. even though at times, this might seem slightly mondain, i'm glad to have things back to normal and have some stability again. today after school me and carissa spent some time translating and working out the choreography for a sign language performance in the play. it was very stretching and frustrating to try and choreograph a piece to louder music (awake and alive by skillet) but overall i'm pleased with the outcome. it'll definitely get the point across. also coming up this weekend is One God, One Voice. apparently its kinda like a one day retreat over at calvary chapel south bay. i'm really excited to be going up there again, that church is such a blessing to me in so many ways. its going to be awesome getting a day of renewal and just total filling of the spirit as well. this is a golden opportunity for fellowship and for hearing more of the word. Praise Him always!

Timing is everything

well some of my questions have been answered. my desent towards land has finally begun. today has been a very good but unplanned day. this morning i had to drive all the way back to temecula from hunington for a skit at church. then i made my way back up to south bay to attend the service, where i ran into rigo. i was kinda upset about it because i wanted it to just be a time for me to focus and hear from the Lord but God used it. we were able to talk and made the decision that friendship is better suited for us. i was glad to finally have the resolution i was looking for. i feel a weight off of my shoulders. the strange thing about the situation is that, just as rigo is kinda moving out of my life, jake suddenly starts moving back in. i can't help but notice the strangeness of the timing, especially with him not knowing anything about rigo. anyways, the rest of my day was a huge encouragement. i was totally fed in the sermon and then me and marcely were able to hang out and just totally fellowship and talk about things in our lives right now. God has totally placed us in each others lives for a reason. we also went to the high school service tonight and that was a blessing too. God was just pouring Himself into me today and i'm stoked about it. tuesday is the beginning of school again and friday is the end of the girls visit. it seems so long and short at the same time. its been a blessing either way and i look forward to our time spent together in Russia in the spring. Praise Him always!

Patience is a virtue... that I don't have

well the Russians have been here for about a week now. alot has changed i must say. we've already done disneyland, the beach, and cara's boat. The girls seem to be having alot of fun and really enjoying themselves, minus natalie fighting with Rigo. it feels like things have been nonstop since they got here. is it just my imagination? possibly. it doesn't help that i am currently sharing a bed with Carissa and haven't been sleeping most of the time they've been here. i need relaxation and His peace. so many other things are going on that i have no control over. things i need to stop stressing about and just let go of. i can't make him call me anytime sooner. i can't make God's decision for myself. i can't make sure that this semester of school will go well. i can't make sure my mom keeps her job. and i can't make someone hire me. i feel as though i'm in a suspeneded position, hanging above all my decisions, waiting for that one missing piece of information i need to finally land. i so desprately want to land in whatever place it is that God has me but right now, i just need to wait. patiently. oh so patiently. God help me to do so.

This is your Wake up Call, Put on Love!!!

Well, I am finally back in Temecula. This past week has been awesome. God really worked up on the mountain, as He is always faithful to do.

The junior highers were alot of fun and alot easier to keep track of. They were really good about sticking with me. We goofed off, played dead cockroach, and shouted the Bref Stank song. Most importantly though, God worked in my girls lives. The girls mostly learned about how we need to be prepared for the Lord's return and stop sleeping. Some also learned about how to love your enemy when they hate you. Another learned that she needs to be a witness to her dad. In the junior high camp, I relearned a simple lesson. God reminded me how important my Christian friends really are. We need that encouragement and accountability we get with good fellowship. Even luke-warm Christians can bring you down, its not just nonchristians. He also reminded me of His faithfulness in answering prayer. He answered even the silliest prayers up there, just to remind me of His love! Prais Him!

The high schoolers were also really good. We had two get sick but that's the only real problem that we had. I was able to really connect and talk to some of my girls in a way I haven't before. Because of my girls openness and willingness to be change, God did just that. He totally broke them, overwhelmed them, and renewed them, we even had a kid get saved!!! How awesome is that!? God really reminded me about meekness on the high school retreat. I had already finished the junior high retreat and I still had another one to do. I was exhausted and my patience was wearing out. God showed me that I need to not be making comments or fighting back if someone annoys me. "Let it just roll off your back" God is faithful to teach us if we are willing. :)

When i got home from the high school camp, me and Leanna had to drive over to Disneyland to meet up with my mom and Denise. I only lasted a couple hours because I was exhausted but it was good to hang out with them for a while and see them on their birthdays. So at about 12:30 last night, I have finally returned home, changed and renewed. Next step, clean my room and house before the Russians arrive on Wednesday. Praise Him always!

How many Teresa's does it take to complete the next few weeks?

well my best friend has now been wrongfully fired from starbucks as well. i find it dishearting to know that these things can continue to happen and nobody can stop it. she'll be leaving for Fiji tomorrow on a missions trip and i wont see her for two weeks. its sad to think i wont see her for that long but we'll both be really busy during that time. today i'm supposed to meet up with one of my old co-workers for lunch, meet up with another one to stock up for the retreat, go visit another friend who's injured, and spend time with Carissa before she leaves for Fiji. i think it's gonna be a busy day. tomorrow i will have to pack and clean up a little bit because sunday, right after church i leave for the retreats. i was only supposed to be the counselor for high school but the jr high counselor backed out. so i'm going up the mountain with the jr highers and then staying there until the high schooler leave a week later. once i finally get home from the retreat, i'm supposed to turn around and go up to anaheim to go to disneyland with my mom for her birthday. then i'll have a day or two to finish changing my room before natalie and irina get here. then the fun times will begin))it's going to be a very fun next couple weeks but its going to be very long and tiring. please pray that i will have patience with the people around me and the energy to accomplish everything i need to up at camp.

Sometimes you need to tear down to build up

well it has definitely been a long time since i've updated this thing. i believe its been since before i went back to Russia. life's been interesting lately. alot of things have changed. i no longer have my job at starbucks. as most of you know, i was framed for a lot of stuff there and ended up being fired for things i didn't do. after that, i ended up babysitting Breanna and Nicholis (the kids who used to live with us) that was one of the coolest jobs, God blessed me to allow me to have it. i was able to hang out with the kids that i really care about and just hang out with them and be an encouragement to them. i no longer work as their babysitter anymore but i know that God has already set aside a new job for me. i just need to sit back and trust instead of stress about it. its been cool lately too. since i don't have a regular job, i have a flexable schedule and i've been able to spend more time with my christian friends and have fellowship. it was difficult at starbucks being constantly surrounded by filth. so its been awesome to be able to detox and be surrounded with God's word and people for a while. my walk has improved so much lately and i'm so excited about it. God's been tearing apart alot of aspects of my life but sometimes to need to tear down to build up. here's my recommended reading for the day 1 peter 1 and also the book called captivating for you girls. its absolutely amazing. it'll totally change your perspective on life as a christian woman. Praise Him always!