repetition

he's back in the hospital again. not learning from the same mistake.

confessions of an adult herion addict???

well it has definitely been a while since i have written on here. so much has changed. i've been back from russia for a while now and i had been working on getting back over there to do a stent for a year. i finally have resolution on that, i will be moving over there march of 2010. school? well i didn't go this semester but i am starting back up again in january. as well as promoting at that time. me and jake dated for about 5 or 6 months but it did not end smoothly like we would have hoped for. there were issues with jealousy, insecurity, and trust that we could not resolve and chose to return to just friends. there were weaks of fighting and frustration but we are once again on good terms.
however, this is not my purpose in returning to this profile. i have returned to this in order to vent my frustration, betrayal, and hurt. maybe i am overreacting, "making a big deal out of nothing" but somehow i don't think so. i have discovered that my friend is in fact a heroin addict. i have seen the signs for a while now. somebody once jokingly said "he's tweaking" i laughed and brushed it off but it has in fact, remained in the back of my mind to fester and grow. i continued to watch his jitters, pacing, his vomiting, lack of appetite, and weird sleeping patterns. yet i told myself i was reading too much into it, imagining things. that's just his personality. then one day he is throwing up uncontrolably to the point where i thought i'd have to drive him home or to the hospital. says he ate something weird or is getting the flu. i take it at face value.
next thing i know he's disappeared. doesn't return calls or texts. nobody knows where he is. suddenly a call from his brother. he's in the hospital. two more weeks of nothing. a month later he comes back, says he had some serious condition, that it was taken care of and that he went to a rehabiliation center to restrengthen his muscles. once again i believe but wonder what this condition is. i ask and he just says its complicated. i let it go.
later i borrow a book from him. beautiful boy. the story of an addict. with every page i turn, the signs begin to present themselves to me. i continue to ignore. the farther i get in the book, the more i see it until they are throwing themselves at me and screaming it in my face. "he's addicted to something!" i know it is not meth like the kid in the story but i don't know my drugs well enough to identify which one it is.
suddenly some truth. something revealed. a little light in all the darkness and confusion. a friend of his. "he's been doing heroin. he overdosed and ended up in the hospital." "don't ever tell him you know, he's so embarrassed" this isn't the first time i bring it up to him. "are you on drugs?" once again "no." i want to believe him so badly. i do anything i can to continue to convince myself that everything is ok. that he isn't lying to me. that he would trust me enough to tell me if something was happening. no. i can't hide it. its lies. he's addicted. i'm deceived. i'm a fool. i can't even look his friend in the eyes for fear of breaking down in front of him and the rest of the people around us. i continue to shut off the emotion, the fear, and the betrayal. but as i type this the reality is slowly dawning on me. he is addicted and i can't help him. i can't save him, and i can't cure him. i can only watch, pray and hope. hope for a future for him. hope that he'll stay sober. hope that he'll one day be honest with me about it. now i sit here fighting the tears that so desperately want to stream down my face, i take in the reality that my tears will not help, save, or even phase a heroin addict.

smores! who could want more?

well once again, i have begun to slack on my blogging duties. i have been quite busy with school and work lately. i've also been working hard on getting the spaghetti dinner worked out. its alot more work than i expected but it needed to be done if i wanted the funds for Russia this year. things are finally falling together again. we have the date set for the dinner and the restraunt knows how many people and all of that. also, i got a few more pledges for money so that's good. its looking more and more promising that i'm going back to Russia. i can't wait to go back! me, chelsea, and jake went back to santa rosa on saturday again. it was fun but i don't think chelsae was enjoying it that much and it brought things down a little bit. we got to make smores too! yummy! i love making smores. i am officially sick once again though. yuck. i think i never got all the way over the cold i had in january but whatever. :) have a blessed week!

assistant managers and checking accounts

well school has been going pretty well. nothing too exciting there. work is alright. we have a temporary assistant manager right now that i can't stand though. he drives me up the wall! he gave us all these stupid nicknames that we have to go by and he tried drawing on my face with permanent marker. he needs to go! i'm sick of his nonsense, i want lisa back! :( so today i went online to check and make sure that everything was ok with my checking account and my retard mom just screwed it all up. i had given her a check and then asked her to not cash it. so i gave her cash instead. so yesterday she went and cashed it anyways. now i'm overdrawn and my check for russia will bounce! ugh! so sick of checking accounts! i hate taking care of money and making sure there's the right amount in it still. cash is so much easier! oh well whatever, but i'm giving my mom serious crap when she gets home!

back to school

well i just completed my first week back at school. i was suprisingly excited to be back since i started getting really bored during my vacation time. i enjoy all my classes so that's always good. i have history, oceanography, dance history, hip hip, and social problems. i have wonderful professors and friends in my classes, which makes the semester so much better. so all in all i think it will be a good semester. however, my manager keeps making me open and its exhausting. by the time i get home from school and finish all my homework, its pretty late. then i have to start work at 4 in the morning. i'm not sure i can keep this up. i have been going on alot of bike rides with the kids in our house and occationally with the mom. it's been awesome to get some excercise again. i look forward to getting back in shape again. well speaking of work, i should head over there, i have another glorious 8 hour shift. yuck! have a great weekend all of you!

santa rosa plateau

well on thursday and today, i went to santa rosa plateau. its a cool place to visit. i enjoy it alot. thursday i went with lauren and it was cool that we got to have a time of fellowship and everything. today was really cool too though becuase i went back up there. me, carissa, and jake went up. (jake's the guy in the trash bag below) it was alot of fun. we went on the trail and then we went exploring off of it and found good climbing trees and a secret meadow. it was alot of fun, deffinetly an adventure. after that i cleaned the house and then hung out at jakes. now i just got home from a work party. it was alot of fun hanging out with everyone but then they started getting wasted to me and carissa left. now i should go to bed since i have church in the morning

are you kidding me?

well we had our first russia meeting with the people who were for sure going. cassie robertson is the only one that i already know on the team other than deena sharp. so i have a whole new team this year. i got to meet all of them and they are an amazing team. i'm really excited to be working with them. along with the meetings come the money requirements. i pretty much have to come up with another $1,000 in the next 2 or 3 weeks. yeah scary. i know God will provide what is needed for the trip if He wants me to go and i need to have faith that He will. sometimes it's hard though. we try to work things out with our own logic and it doesn't always work. well most of this week has been wasted as i continue to hang around my house. school has started for most people already so the hangouts are limited. well school starts next week and then i will be a busy bee once again. i got my books yesterday too, none of them seem too bad so that's good. me and cassie have some of our classes together too, so that will make make up work from russia alot easier. well i have to work in the morning so i should probably go to bed. goodnight/good morning all. have a blessed week!

clean: inside and out retreat

this is one of the people i met on the retreat.
well i haven't updated in a while, that's for sure. my christmas was wonderful, i went to san diego to visit my family and i got to see my new baby cousin. she's so beautiful! new years i actually spent sleeping because i had to work at 4am the next day but that's ok. the rest of my winter break has been good. i have been enjoying no school alot! its been giving me alot of opportunities to do things and just hang out. this weekend i went to a winter retreat up in the mountains here. it was so awesome! i was one of the counselors or leaders on the trip. i got like no sleep but it was so worth it! i learned so much about God this weekend. i actually ran into a girl i hadn't seen in a long time. i was her counselor on another retreat and desare told me she got saved on that trip! how exciting is that!!! so its been a very cool experience with God and with other people. i've met some amazing people that i would love to continue relationships with. i start school back up on tuesday, so we'll see how that goes. have a blessed week guys!!!