Christianity takes Sacrifice and Discomfort

well i have been here about a week and a half now and it has been alot of change. i have been able to see all my friends over here and hang out with them for a little bit. so its been really nice. i get along with my roommates really well now and i will probably maintain relationships with them even after we all move out. i have mostly been going to alot of long and boring meetings lately, mostly to work out details for the english camp. i was able to meet up with my adel for a while yesterday and really talk to her about alot of things that have been going on in her life. it was cool being able to have a heart to heart with her. i think she really needed it. i have been having a really hard time lately being focused on God and what i need to do. unfortunately guys have been a huge distraction when i wish it wasn't. i have been praying for about a year now for God to take away these feelings and this distraction and He still hasn't done that. he's in so many of the same places i am now and its so frustrating and hard not to care. i have asked some of my friends to really pray about this for me. i do not want anything to distract me while i'm here, i want my focus to ever be on God. i really let go of control of all of this situation because over the past year, i haven't been able to solve the problem in my own power. i eventually came to the conclusion that there was only one way to solve this problem. i talked to him this morning and explained the situation. i told him that yes i had feelings for him unfortunately and its very distracting. so i couldn't come up with any other answer but to tell him that we can't talk anymore unless its important or for ministry. i am saddened that i had to mess with this friendship and make it awkward but i want nothing to stand in between me and my walk with God and my feelings were in the way. he was thankfully very understanding and supportive. i didn't want to think i was mad and stopped talking to him or anything, so i explained it all. hopefully this is the solution and answer to prayer. if GOd wants something to happen, He can work around this situation but i will not be the one to try to force this to happen. His will and His will alone. Praise Him always!

Priviet Russia!

well, the time has finally come for me to move to Moscow. All those months of desperately trying to raise money in time and mounds of paperwork have finally paid off. I am currently sitting in my apartment in Moscow. this cold and dark city somehow still manages to maintain a sort of beauty and draw to it. my flight was pretty good. it was definitely the longest trip to Russia i've ever had to endure but thankfully it felt like my fastest. the time flew by probably by the grace of God. I clearly felt everyone's prayers around me through the entire trip. I should've been stressed out, tired, and lonely but i felt none of those things. I had pretty bad jetlag my first night and i was a walking zombie on monday and tuesday. however, i am finally back in action and ready to take on this new adventure at full speed. in alot of ways i still dont feel like i have moved here. i feel like i am only here for a visit and in many ways i am. i am not a permanent resident of russia. i am a guest for the next 3 months and as such i am to remain on my best behavior. everything i do during this trip will be carefully watched and considered as the leadership decides if they want me to come back for a more permanent stay. at this point in time, i am very much ok with that possibility and dont want to go back to the states. i'm told however, that i am due for some serious culture shock and homesickness in about another week or two when the americans leave again and i'm still here. prayer will definitely be needed for that part. God, i pray for this trip, that you would use it to the fullest. that you would allow me to do your work your way and in your timing. allow none of me to take control of my time here. May it all be for you. Please dont allow drama among other girls or guys become any kind of distraction for me. please remove my concern for the cctv youth group while i'm gone. please comfort and protect them through this time. please allow me to still be there for them when they need me as well. please allow me to be a witness to my kids over here and anyone else i come into contact with. do not let me miss any opportunities to glorify You. i pray that you would give me the energy, finances, and time i need to accomplish all these things according to your purpose. I praise You and love You. In Jesus' name. Amen.

One month later

Well, i have finally finished being sick every other day and have been restored to health. the stress level hasn't diminished yet but on occasion it does lower. i have raised quite a bit of money lately i'm at $3,785 i think. i still need another $700 to "survive" but i'll need more to be able to actually do things. school is almost done, i am one 10 page paper and 2 finals away from being free. i am so happy that its almost over again. i will be leaving for moscow very soon. in about 10 days. i'm so excited and so nervous at the same time. i can't wait to see my friends and hang out with them and work with my kids. i understand though, it comes at a price. i have to say goodbye to everything i know. that brings some weight into the mix. though i feel an almost constant state of excitement, i cant help feel worry and sorrow. i know i can't blame myself for chelsae's decision to date matt but i know that my leaving is why she is so anxious to find someone. she's afraid to be alone for those 3 months. I also cant help feel severely guilty about leaving the youth group. i mean i understand that i dont own the youth group and i'm not the most important person there but i also know that i hold a big piece of it. as much as layne and scott do to allow us to go on the retreats, i end up taking care of alot of the organisational stuff. I'm afraid they're gonna leave the paperwork or something at the retreat in a few weeks. also, i know that the kids wont open up to layne, scott, or claudette. i'm the one that all of them talk to about everything. i'm the one that has to deal with all the problems and i'm the one that resolves them. i cant help feeling like the youth group is gonna fall apart or go nuts while i'm gone. i feel like i can't help them like i normally do, if i'm gonna be gone all this time. i also feel like something is gonna go really wrong with my sister or dillon while i'm gone. i can't shake that feeling and it really scares me. i mean, i wont be there to do anything about it. are these irrational fears? i'm not really sure. i'm also kinda afraid i'll end up getting homesick or hardcore culture shock even though i've been there a million times. i guess time will tell...Praise Him always!

Sick of being sick

Well, I've been in school about 3 weeks now and i've finally gotten everything mellowed out and into a schedule now. I have my classes on a fast track schedule, so the work load is crazy! (basically a semester is normally 4 or 5 months long but i'm doing it all in 2 months or less) I am getting very excited about going back to Russia again. I cant believe its been a year already! I will be having final exams the week before i leave, so i've been slowly packing things i wont need here such as snow jackets and boots. i somehow ended up almost completely packed, i just need to add my toiletries and pj's basically. this has helped me feel a little bit less stressed about trying to get everything done because i have one thing almost finished. i am also sick for the third time in the last month. i was sick with some throat problem all last week and now i have a cold. I just want to be healthy again, but i think the lack of sleeping and all the stress is making it hard for me to stay healthy. i hope i wont get sick while i'm over in Russia like i do every year. its so annoying. other than school and being sick all the time, not a whole lot has happened. I am currently working on the fundraising for my trip right now, i have already turned in $1450 but i still need to raise another $3550. so much money! i know that God will provide though. I just need to trust Him. Praise Him always!

signs of doubt

i think i might be a little bit off. i didn't once doubt the fact that we'd be going to camp this weekend and yet it was canceled. was i ever really supposed to go to the high school camp at all? God, you know how much i wanted and needed that. why have you taken it from me? there are times that i start to doubt if i'm really supposed to be going of to moscow or not. i mean i know that God has ordained this and He's been setting all of this up but now i have no money. i have no way of paying for this trip and getting over there. God, how and when will you provide? you're seriously starting to scare me. like really bad. am i supposed to go? please just tell me. i'm so frustrated with this waiting and not knowing. then i've been having doubts about rendell. i really like him and he cares about he alot. i could basically barf right in front of him and he'd still adore me. is he bringing me down in my walk? no not really. but is he supporting me in it? no not really. i am walking all on my own in this relationship and i'm supposed to somehow be maintaining the purity for both of us. thats alot of pressure and self control that i dont have. rendell says that he'll wait for me while i'm in Russia. is it better for me to break things off with him so he isn't forced to wait? i mean i understand that he is willing but how long will he really last? i mean he said so himself that he hasn't even reached love yet. that's not too promising. also, what's going on with shawn? i mean i understand the whole thing about him being busy but if he has time to text me that he doesnt have time, than he has time to text a response. i feel like i kinda freaked him out with all my rendell questions. like maybe it traslated as me saying i'd break up with him for shawn or something. chelsae says he's backing off because he's falling in love with me. now that is something i highly doubt. i've already given him reasons to lose respect for me. i mean, i ask him for prayer for purity. he hasn't even kissed a girl yet, what interest would he have in me? none. so that's obviously not the situation. i'm just really confused. he's one of my best guy friends and i dont even have his support right now with all of this going on. i hope he isn't separating himself because there's stuff going on in his life. i hope he isn't depressed again. i hope he's alright. i really do love that guy. i miss my shawnathon. hopefully some of these answers start clearing up soon. i dont like confusion.

Get a grip, Teresa

in an effort to observe tradition, i will start of this post by saying: i haven't updated in a while. its been almost a month if we want to get down to specifics. it continues to be a difficult season for me but again, i should expect that with the upcoming trip. allow me to do a short recap of what i've been up to before i start complaining about my life. well for new years me, chelsae, and rendell all went to Mikael's house. we played apples to apples for a while and ended up heading home around 1130 to avoid all the drunk people. i no longer work at kohls anymore. i did my 3 shifts and now they're done with me. i am now working with hope and chelsae in the carpet cleaning business. its alot of hard work and you actually earn your money as opposed to folding clothes in a store. i just finished my second job with them today actually. i'm getting better already. i've been trying to save up whatever money i earn, but its somehow magically disappearing. i don't quite understand it. i also did the jr high retreat with the girls. it was a good growing time and i was able to work things out with their leadership. me and rendell broke up for a grand total of two days as well. it was really stupid and just a miscommunication. we're back together again. it was a really hard time for me, dealing with breaking up with rendell, not having a job, and trying to figure out my trip. i was really concerned about posting some things i was dealing with because i was afraid people would read it and it would become a problem. when i finally finished greiving dillon's HIV, i found out what was wrong with my sister. i mean we always knew something was wrong with her but we never knew what specific category she fell under. well she was finally diagnosed. my sister is schitzophrenic. i have been sworn to secrecy so she wont be singled out or anything. so i have to bear it completely alone. even after almost a month of knowing, i'm still trying to fight the tears from rolling down my cheeks as i write about it. my sister is crazy. she sees and hears things that aren't actually happening. then she goes to therapy and finds out half of her life was a dellusion and lie. then remains medicated for the rest of her life. schitzophrenia is a degenerative problem. if the medications dont work, she'll eventually lose any grips with reality. how is that not psychologically damaging to know that will happen to your own sister? i've been feeling like i'm beyond repair with the amount of stress that is being thrown at me right now. i need the high school camp so bad but yet it was canceled because of the stupid snow! gah! i hate the snow! i hate how all of the paperwork i need to fill out all depends on each other and cant be done before each other. which one freakin goes first? i hate how school isn't working out at all, i'm in 2 classes this semester. two. i hate how i have no money for my trip. i hate how bad my insomnia's getting. i hate that i've become an emotional wreck over the last two months. i hate that i can't seem to catch a break. i hate that i have no control over my life. sometimes, i really do just hate my life. clarification: am i suicidal or anything? no. just frustrated. Praise Him Always!...somehow.

Tis the season to go shopping?

well clearly nobody actually reads this thing since nobody said they read it. this is probably a good thing. this means i can be totally honest about what i think and leave all filters behind. my little blog, remains entirely my own business. very nice. well my christmas eve went well. we went to the smiths house and exchanged gifts. being the smart alecs that they are, they actually got me a victoria secret card. oh dear. it was fun though. we played some singing game on the wii and did rock band and stuff. pretty entertaining if you ask me. chris and corina can't sing to save their lives. christmas was good as well. i went home in the morning to open presents with everyone which was nice. i miss being around my family a little bit. then we went down to chula vista to chill at my grandma's house. it was good. though a little bit weird because uncle bill was being really nice. i dont know what he's trying to do. probably get back in everyone's good graces again. nice try uncle retard. aunt tina continues to not quite fit with our family too. you would think after all these years, she would learn...oh well. after an early dinner, some laughs, and a couple glasses of wine, we went home. then i went back to clare's house to spend christmas night sick and miserable. not so nice. the day after christmas, we went shopping to use up some of the gift cards. i got so much stuff and haven't even put a dent in all the cards i still have. its so crazy! rendell was bored out of his mind, of course. towards the end, he started losing it so we gave up and left. i think i might go shopping again with chelsae for a little bit today before the party but i'm not quite sure. yep. its becoming rather boring at this house the longer i stay. however, i'm finally making progress on bre's scarf. its almost done. i'm still debating if i want to make her a beanie to go with it or not. hmmm. i'm getting antsy with the whole russia thing, i don't know where i stand on all of that. i need to start coming up with money and i'm kinda scared to be honest. it doesn't seem like enough time to come up with all the money. i have alot of paperwork i need to start filling out too. bleck. i'm ready for school to start, so i'll have some busy work to keep my mind off of it once in a while. plus, the sooner school starts, the sooner i'll be done and i'll find myself on a plane getting ready to start a new life. *sigh* sounds pretty nice. i'm so ready to move over there! there's so much i want to do. alas! a text from chelsae! some entertainment finally! Praise Him always!