Praise You when I'm laughin...Praise You when I'm cryin?

well i have one more day of school left: tuesday. i survived "hell week." it wasn't as bad as i had thought. i currently sit in front of a blank page that waits to be filled with my words and thoughts. yet, nothing comes. i sit here feeling..nothing and everything at once. i feel blank and yet i feel like darkness, sadness, tears, anger, and betrayal. how could it get to this? i remember running around with him this summer looking for a place to get him tested. the tests came back negative. no std's. Praise God. "let that be a lesson to ya" i said. "no more sleepin around" however, i finally get that dreaded message. "hun, i have HIV." it didnt register at first and i just said i'm sorry. that was friday night when i was half asleep. saturday morning comes along and i vaguely remember talking to him the night before. i look back at my messages and my heart stops. i don't know what to do say or think. i'm frozen. then i recall when i happened passively watch rent once. flashes of the character angel sitting in a hospital bed dying of aids keep running through my mind. i remember seeing a man in san francisco so skinny he looked like he was in the holocaust victum. "aids" my mom said. "one of the worst diseases to die from." and suddenly reality floods over me. his HIV will turn to AIDS and he will die. a slow and painful death. i curl up in a ball and lose any will to get up. "you have to get up and be strong for him. you have to see him." chels's getting me up. how can this have happened? how did he not learn with the first scare? how long will it stay HIV? how much longer do i have with him? how am i gonna survive without my dill? i've known him too long. we've been too close. God please don't make it soon!