Spiritual Attack Is Never Pleasant

Well today, we have officially experienced another church split. While these happen periodically within the church, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, they seem to get harder. Maybe its the fact that i have now lived through 4 church splits and the whole experience is starting to get extremely frustrating. Although it might be the fact that this time my family was personally involved. While our head pastor was the primary person being attacked, my parents and our worship leader's wife were also lost in the mix. It is hard to show strength, love, and forgiveness for the rest of the church when you feel that the things being said are a personal attack on your family. Yes, i do feel that some of the people involved were deliberately stirring up strife (which btw isn't biblical) and i believe some others were just mislead by the gossip. I cannot deny the feeling this past year, that our family has been under complete and total attack. This church split is no exception. Our family is dealing with alot of crap that other people don't know about, and i'm sure many other families can say the same. So why are we expected to maintain an image of strength and courage when really we want to crumble under the wait? My dad is currently up in his room, sick to his stomach with the amount of stress and pressure this is putting on him. So of course, i went to the meeting and showed my support of him. God comes first, yes, and then comes family. Only after both of these comes friends. My family comes before any false relationships i may have believed i had within the church. Am i deeply offended and disturbed by the way some people have acted? yes. Will i forgive and forget? with time. But for now, i think i need some more time away from some of this body. I cannot continue to show support to people who i do not believe are following God. A walk with Christ doesn't always provide alot of friends and support, apparently this is one of those times. However, God is faithful and He's brought me through this year; He'll continue to do so, this i know for sure. Praise Him always.

A Time To Let Go

One of my weakest areas is letting go, surrendering. I have fought so hard for this relationship to work but if God isn't in it, it won't succeed. i had to say goodbye to a very close and important friend today, something i never wanted to do. I didn't have the strength to do what i knew i had to, thankfully he did. we've become too close, it became consuming, it became our focus instead of God. I have to wonder how and when this happened, what was it that made us fall and focus on each other instead of God. Looking back, i realize alot of it was progressive. With each new trial or obstacle, we would somehow get even closer instead of falling apart, leaned on each other for support and came to each other for encouragement and laughs. on the surface that all seems fine and dandy, but when you come to each other before God, there is a problem and he wont be in it. we have to take a step back, take a break, let each other go. i believed this would be something that lasted for life, we both did, and i like to believe that one day God will redeem our friendship and let us have it back again. is that more of my inability to let go of what i hold so dear? is that more bondage, me having the hope of being able to return someday? but then, every time i see him and look at those eyes i see home, love, comfort, and support. everything he's been for me this past year or so. besides God, he was my one consistancy through this crazy year. how can i not hold onto that? how do i let go? on my own, i really don't have the strength. i've tried this last month or two and keep failing over and over again, i can't let go. God continues to pry my grip off of this, one finger at a time and yet i still hold tightly. what will it take for me to let go? it keeps getting harder and harder to hold onto what's being taken away, since i wouldn't give it up willingly. i'm finally wearing out and getting to that exhausted place where all that is left is surrender. God, i've spent so much time bargaining with you, telling you i'll only let go if i can have it back later, but i'm tired and exhausted and have no place else to go anymore. i give up. you win. Praise Him always!

My Talents Amaze Me

one of my most notorious traits: getting myself in ridiculous situations. I mean really? sometimes i even amaze myself with my stupidity and ability to create a situation that should never exist. i have finally found myself in a situation that even my friends can't help me fix. under normal circumstances my friends can look from the outside and see here this is what you should do. nope. i ask for suggestions and 2 people give me a verse that has nothing to do with the situation and the other 2 just tell me that they dont know and that i'm in a sticky situation. really? wow. thanks. i didn't know that before you told me... One of the few people i ever thought i would end up having a problem with and i manage to somehow end up with a problem. sheez... if i had just thought twice about sending the e-mail, or if i had maintained my relationship with her while i was in russia, maybe none of this would've happened. i want to maintain a relationship with her but now she thinks i'm only in this to gain her approval to date her son. i want to get to know her cause i think she's really cool, fun, and has alot of wisdom to offer. i don't like that she's questioning my motives. it makes me feel guilty when i want to contact her now, like i'm doing something i shouldn't. am i doing something wrong? should i not be initiating a relationship with another christian woman? it sucks because i can't even tell her that i dont want her approval for her son. i do, the reality is, i do wish she approved of our relationship but i wish she could see that this isn't why i want to talk to her. i dont know what to do. do i continue trying to contact her and risk her thinking i'm still trying to gain her approval? or do i leave her alone for a while and seem to confirm her suspicions that i was only talking to her for her son? man! God, i need you to fix this becuase right now i just don't know how to. i don't want to lose the opportunity to have a good relationship with her God, i think she's amazing. i know that nothing i do or say can ultimately change her opinion of my motives, make them clear to her, God. help her to understand that i truely admire her as a woman and that i'm not just using her. God, you know the desires of my heart and you know that this relationship is what i desire. you know my wants and frustrations and you know what an amazing blessing he's been in my life. if its your will, please somehow clear the way for this to happen in your timing. your will alone though, God. Praise Him always!

Girl Time is essential

well i have been in school and without Natalie for about a month or so now. life in california is finally starting to mellow out and kinda settle into a basic routine. i have finally begun to re-establish relationships with some of my girls again, i wasn't the best at keeping in contact while i was in Russia and New Jersey. i am so happy to finally be working with my high schoolers again. i have missed them while i was gone. we are beginning to start working on the youth group and making changes to improve it and its focus. we are trying to get the messages deeper and provide more for the youth, shallow meaningless messages is not something that we want to continue. similarly, we are now gonna start working on dividing the girls and guys once a month so we can delve into some deeper things with them that you can't always do with a mixed audience. i am now officially the girls teacher once a month. should be interesting... and growing... i think i'm ready for the new challenge though, i sometimes need motivation to dig deeper so this will be good. we also want to start working on some more discipleship for the kids in the youth group. one on one time is so helpful when you can get it. i'm so excited to see how the kids and the leadership will be affected by these changes, hopefully it will be powerful in our lives. lastly, the only other change is that amy is once again in the hospital. i have been spending most of my time helping april with all of it. being the adult and taking responsibility for everything since she can't seem to right now, along with being the comfort to the family. its hard to always remain strong for them and act like i can handle everything all the time. they need calm and strength and God apparently has me in that position right now for them. sometimes its hard to not show my fears and frustrations in this situation. God give me your strength and your wisdom becuase watching Amy's mind fall apart a second time while dealing with the same thing with my sister is tearing me apart. Be what i can't. Praise Him always!

Round 3: California

Well i did finish out my time in russia which was amazing of course. i survived the hard times there and came out stronger because of them. God places every situation and moment over there in my life for a reason. I cannot thank him enough for the opportunity i had to work over there. i ended up coming home for only about a week and i was busy taking care of school stuff and packing up before leaving again for new jersey. that was also a trying but rewarding time. some of the kids that i worked with over there had some extremely difficult lives to live and i was amazed that they were still pulling through. alot of the girls were very hard to work with but in the end i was able to see changes in some of them and that's a blessing. i did end up meeting a guy there as well. however, dating is not in our future. i do sometimes tend do jump into things i shouldn't and this happened to be one of them. however, as stupid and hurt i felt by the whole situation, it helped remind me to be content with what i have here. it reminded me of some of the amazing things i have in my life here and sometimes you really dont need any more than that. i am back in school once again and wishing i wasn't. i am also still looking for a job back here in california. in most ways i have readjusted to life in california but in some ways, i have definitely changed during this 6 month period and i will never fit exactly into that same mold i was in before. my family life is still completely different from the way its been the last 22 years. i think it will take me quite a while to get used to the new strains in our house. the court date has been postponed until october 22 and then we find out if my parents and i have custody or not. this has been a long a difficult battle, that i still dont understand the purpose of, i'm still frustrated with it and wish things would just go back to how they were. but there seems to be no end to the nonsense with this. where is the end of this God? why are you still toying with my family and our lives? what is it you're doing because i really cant see it. so much of this feels meaningless and painful. i just want some rest from all of this, i want back out of california. God give me rest, peace, and faith. Praise Him always!

a change of direction...again

Well i have been in Russia for around a month now and i can't say that it's been easy. i have gotten sick three different times since i've been here already. i am still sick with the third one. i went through some drama about two weeks ago where some of my friends weren't even talking to me and i felt all alone in this foreign country. i was left with nobody to talk to except the very guy i decided to stop talking to. very frustrating place to find myself in, stuck alone in a country where i dont speak the language. i suddenly found myself wanting to give up and just go back home to california. i was so homesick and hated my situation. english camp was good besides the drama that was happening, God was growing me. my kids are all sick right now so i haven't been able to meet with them yet unfortunately. i loved my group of kids and can't wait to hangout with them again)) as much as i came here to work with these very kids, it has been very difficult to get in contact with them. however, i have been able to meet with some of my past students and have been working with them until my new kids get well again. now i am beginning to feel God pull me in a different direction, i am seeing alot of work to be done in stancyia mir and maybe God is calling me to help work on it. this is going to be a difficult task since i do not have any position here to tell people what to do and i have strained relationships with some of them. however, i have been through these same situations in our youth group at home and know how to work through them. i am hoping to start doing some kind of bible study with the girl leaders in this group. if you help the leaders, they can help the kids. this is yet another step of faith over here. Praise Him always!

Christianity takes Sacrifice and Discomfort

well i have been here about a week and a half now and it has been alot of change. i have been able to see all my friends over here and hang out with them for a little bit. so its been really nice. i get along with my roommates really well now and i will probably maintain relationships with them even after we all move out. i have mostly been going to alot of long and boring meetings lately, mostly to work out details for the english camp. i was able to meet up with my adel for a while yesterday and really talk to her about alot of things that have been going on in her life. it was cool being able to have a heart to heart with her. i think she really needed it. i have been having a really hard time lately being focused on God and what i need to do. unfortunately guys have been a huge distraction when i wish it wasn't. i have been praying for about a year now for God to take away these feelings and this distraction and He still hasn't done that. he's in so many of the same places i am now and its so frustrating and hard not to care. i have asked some of my friends to really pray about this for me. i do not want anything to distract me while i'm here, i want my focus to ever be on God. i really let go of control of all of this situation because over the past year, i haven't been able to solve the problem in my own power. i eventually came to the conclusion that there was only one way to solve this problem. i talked to him this morning and explained the situation. i told him that yes i had feelings for him unfortunately and its very distracting. so i couldn't come up with any other answer but to tell him that we can't talk anymore unless its important or for ministry. i am saddened that i had to mess with this friendship and make it awkward but i want nothing to stand in between me and my walk with God and my feelings were in the way. he was thankfully very understanding and supportive. i didn't want to think i was mad and stopped talking to him or anything, so i explained it all. hopefully this is the solution and answer to prayer. if GOd wants something to happen, He can work around this situation but i will not be the one to try to force this to happen. His will and His will alone. Praise Him always!