Kidnappings and Nerf Bullets

Well once again i have slacked on my blogging duties. it has been a busy couple of weeks. i have been spending a lot of time with caitlyn lately as she seems to believe i am depressed and must be distracted. my and my friend have, once again stopped talking, this time it may be permanent. i don't know. the decision is entirely up to him and God. we have finally come to realize that the "just friends" title no longer works for us and apparently now its all or nothing. unfortunately, this point in time its nothing. the hope is to one day return to speaking again but i have no guarantees of such a thing ever happening. thus caitlyn believes i am depressed and need to be out of the house. it has been fun to be kidnapped and taken on random adventures with her though, so i definitely can't complain. i managed to experience some drug deals in murrieta and a naked man with carrie and carissa, this vacation has been eventful to say the least. we also celebrated christmas and new years since i last updated. christmas was good, we spent time down in SD with my grandma and the rest of my mom's family minus crappy uncle. it was nice to be able to hangout with everyone, watch football and movies, and make fun of each other. (this is a loving tradition on that side of the family) new years also went well. i spent alot of the day taking care of things at home but afterward i was able to spend some time at mikael's house before their party. i left the taylor's house and went to a swing dancing party. me and caitlyn didn't stay long but it was fun while we were there. then off to carol's house where we watched the kids, movies, and stuffed our faces with carol's delicious snacks. overall i think it went rather well. now life is once again starting to mellow back out before school starts back up. i am currently up in LA for a couple days watching Joey and Gino while their parents work. so in between blowing up army men and shooting each other with nerf bullets, i have managed a spare minute to update this thing. 2 more weeks before school starts, just enough time to freshen up on my russian and figure out what i'm gonna do about that stupid math class i took. wth!? hope all has been well with the rest of you. Praise Him Always.

Super Awkward Fake Date with Leattle

Lea seems to believe that this story deserves to be told in my blog, therefore, it is getting its own entry. so, true to the theme in my life, i have ended up in yet another awkward situation. yesterday, i went to layne and claudette's house as usual (the youth pastor and his wife) to workout with claudette. layne had decided that he wanted to go to see the latest narnia movie that's currently out in theaters. so, he sent out a message on facebook and invited people to come see it with us. after running home and washing up, i blasted over to the theater since layne had said it would be crowded. i got there at 7, like i was told, and only lea and ryan were there. so i went to hangout with them and once layne and claudette arrived, ryan took off. all was fine and dandy until a certain understanding came upon me and lea, this looked alot like a double date... hmm... the situation quickly became awkward and me and lea continued to have huge fits of laughter. we had heard that our head pastor, Gary, would be coming and were relieved there would be an odd number of people. much to our dismay, Gary brought his wife and it turned into a triple date. now, you would think it wouldn't be all that bad since there's now six people all together, however, Gary has a history of trying to set us up. cue another layer of awkward. we now have 2 pastors and their wives looking at us with curiousity and making comments about how we're still in our first date awkward phase. shoot. me. now. a mother and son from our church arrived as well and helped difuse a small portion of the awkwardness, until the mom started making sound effects as she reacted to the entire movie. Overall it was a highly entertaining, highly awkward situation. would i ever want to relive this situation? probably not. Will me and lea have laughs about this one for a while? definitely. lea, ultimately i think our first date was a fail. and yet it was a win at the same time... hmmmm. now to mess with Gary's mind... Praise Him Always, leattle!

Candy Canes and Other High Priorities

Well, quite a few things have changed since i last updated this blog. I choose to believe that i haven't updated for a while becauase i have been busy with excitement in my life as opposed to the laziness (which is the reality) take it as you will. Well, the church split has pretty much blown over and those that insist on causing problems are no longer members of our church. once again, God has gardened our church and removed the weeds if you will. me and my friend have once again returned to talking, praise the Lord. We have taken our alotted time apart and have been able to return to a friendship that is no longer spiritually distracting. Sometimes we have to let go of the things that are most important to us, because they become more important than God. that's when we can no longer have them. we shall have no other gods before Him. We also had our Christmas play last weekend. while it was extremely frustrating at times, including learning our lines the day of the performance; it was a blast. The performances went smoothly, praise God, there were a couple of screw ups but it was good overall. I did manage to start laughing during my solo, which was embarrassing but i think it provided some entertainment for the audience. I am officially finishing my first semester at grossmont on tuesday and i am so happy. i am done with math! i can't help but feel like this semester went extremely quickly and that my russian class should be going longer but such is life. on to the next chapter! russian 2 and biology! I'm a little concerned about taking those two at the same time but i know its possible. getting ready for an action packed christmas break and i can't wait for it to start on tuesday. finals that morning, then off to grandma's in SD and then back to temecula for girls night with melissa. as cliche as it sounds, remember the true reason for this season. while candy canes and presents tend to be high on my list of favorites, its not the most important thing. Remember Jesus Christ made all of this possible. Praise Him always!

Spiritual Attack Is Never Pleasant

Well today, we have officially experienced another church split. While these happen periodically within the church, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, they seem to get harder. Maybe its the fact that i have now lived through 4 church splits and the whole experience is starting to get extremely frustrating. Although it might be the fact that this time my family was personally involved. While our head pastor was the primary person being attacked, my parents and our worship leader's wife were also lost in the mix. It is hard to show strength, love, and forgiveness for the rest of the church when you feel that the things being said are a personal attack on your family. Yes, i do feel that some of the people involved were deliberately stirring up strife (which btw isn't biblical) and i believe some others were just mislead by the gossip. I cannot deny the feeling this past year, that our family has been under complete and total attack. This church split is no exception. Our family is dealing with alot of crap that other people don't know about, and i'm sure many other families can say the same. So why are we expected to maintain an image of strength and courage when really we want to crumble under the wait? My dad is currently up in his room, sick to his stomach with the amount of stress and pressure this is putting on him. So of course, i went to the meeting and showed my support of him. God comes first, yes, and then comes family. Only after both of these comes friends. My family comes before any false relationships i may have believed i had within the church. Am i deeply offended and disturbed by the way some people have acted? yes. Will i forgive and forget? with time. But for now, i think i need some more time away from some of this body. I cannot continue to show support to people who i do not believe are following God. A walk with Christ doesn't always provide alot of friends and support, apparently this is one of those times. However, God is faithful and He's brought me through this year; He'll continue to do so, this i know for sure. Praise Him always.

A Time To Let Go

One of my weakest areas is letting go, surrendering. I have fought so hard for this relationship to work but if God isn't in it, it won't succeed. i had to say goodbye to a very close and important friend today, something i never wanted to do. I didn't have the strength to do what i knew i had to, thankfully he did. we've become too close, it became consuming, it became our focus instead of God. I have to wonder how and when this happened, what was it that made us fall and focus on each other instead of God. Looking back, i realize alot of it was progressive. With each new trial or obstacle, we would somehow get even closer instead of falling apart, leaned on each other for support and came to each other for encouragement and laughs. on the surface that all seems fine and dandy, but when you come to each other before God, there is a problem and he wont be in it. we have to take a step back, take a break, let each other go. i believed this would be something that lasted for life, we both did, and i like to believe that one day God will redeem our friendship and let us have it back again. is that more of my inability to let go of what i hold so dear? is that more bondage, me having the hope of being able to return someday? but then, every time i see him and look at those eyes i see home, love, comfort, and support. everything he's been for me this past year or so. besides God, he was my one consistancy through this crazy year. how can i not hold onto that? how do i let go? on my own, i really don't have the strength. i've tried this last month or two and keep failing over and over again, i can't let go. God continues to pry my grip off of this, one finger at a time and yet i still hold tightly. what will it take for me to let go? it keeps getting harder and harder to hold onto what's being taken away, since i wouldn't give it up willingly. i'm finally wearing out and getting to that exhausted place where all that is left is surrender. God, i've spent so much time bargaining with you, telling you i'll only let go if i can have it back later, but i'm tired and exhausted and have no place else to go anymore. i give up. you win. Praise Him always!

My Talents Amaze Me

one of my most notorious traits: getting myself in ridiculous situations. I mean really? sometimes i even amaze myself with my stupidity and ability to create a situation that should never exist. i have finally found myself in a situation that even my friends can't help me fix. under normal circumstances my friends can look from the outside and see here this is what you should do. nope. i ask for suggestions and 2 people give me a verse that has nothing to do with the situation and the other 2 just tell me that they dont know and that i'm in a sticky situation. really? wow. thanks. i didn't know that before you told me... One of the few people i ever thought i would end up having a problem with and i manage to somehow end up with a problem. sheez... if i had just thought twice about sending the e-mail, or if i had maintained my relationship with her while i was in russia, maybe none of this would've happened. i want to maintain a relationship with her but now she thinks i'm only in this to gain her approval to date her son. i want to get to know her cause i think she's really cool, fun, and has alot of wisdom to offer. i don't like that she's questioning my motives. it makes me feel guilty when i want to contact her now, like i'm doing something i shouldn't. am i doing something wrong? should i not be initiating a relationship with another christian woman? it sucks because i can't even tell her that i dont want her approval for her son. i do, the reality is, i do wish she approved of our relationship but i wish she could see that this isn't why i want to talk to her. i dont know what to do. do i continue trying to contact her and risk her thinking i'm still trying to gain her approval? or do i leave her alone for a while and seem to confirm her suspicions that i was only talking to her for her son? man! God, i need you to fix this becuase right now i just don't know how to. i don't want to lose the opportunity to have a good relationship with her God, i think she's amazing. i know that nothing i do or say can ultimately change her opinion of my motives, make them clear to her, God. help her to understand that i truely admire her as a woman and that i'm not just using her. God, you know the desires of my heart and you know that this relationship is what i desire. you know my wants and frustrations and you know what an amazing blessing he's been in my life. if its your will, please somehow clear the way for this to happen in your timing. your will alone though, God. Praise Him always!

Girl Time is essential

well i have been in school and without Natalie for about a month or so now. life in california is finally starting to mellow out and kinda settle into a basic routine. i have finally begun to re-establish relationships with some of my girls again, i wasn't the best at keeping in contact while i was in Russia and New Jersey. i am so happy to finally be working with my high schoolers again. i have missed them while i was gone. we are beginning to start working on the youth group and making changes to improve it and its focus. we are trying to get the messages deeper and provide more for the youth, shallow meaningless messages is not something that we want to continue. similarly, we are now gonna start working on dividing the girls and guys once a month so we can delve into some deeper things with them that you can't always do with a mixed audience. i am now officially the girls teacher once a month. should be interesting... and growing... i think i'm ready for the new challenge though, i sometimes need motivation to dig deeper so this will be good. we also want to start working on some more discipleship for the kids in the youth group. one on one time is so helpful when you can get it. i'm so excited to see how the kids and the leadership will be affected by these changes, hopefully it will be powerful in our lives. lastly, the only other change is that amy is once again in the hospital. i have been spending most of my time helping april with all of it. being the adult and taking responsibility for everything since she can't seem to right now, along with being the comfort to the family. its hard to always remain strong for them and act like i can handle everything all the time. they need calm and strength and God apparently has me in that position right now for them. sometimes its hard to not show my fears and frustrations in this situation. God give me your strength and your wisdom becuase watching Amy's mind fall apart a second time while dealing with the same thing with my sister is tearing me apart. Be what i can't. Praise Him always!