never let me go

On the Run

2011-06-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

True to my nature, I have waited almost a month to update this blog. I've had a few different things during this time that i believe are worth mentioning. After this last update, I spent about 2 weeks down in Chula Vista taking care of my grandma who had knee surgery and had trouble moving around her house. i came back in town however, because my sister finally graduated high school. its been a long and difficult road but she made it. it was nice to have all of the family together to support her. after that I found myself visiting Austin at his school on my free days and soon going to his going away party. thankfully, i knew ahead of time that it would be difficult but i don't think I could've possibly prepared myself enough. it's been really hard to experience this separation even though its been a rather short span of time. its a strange feeling not hearing from him everyday but it will be a trial period and a chance for us to really pray about if this is really what God wants for us. I was able to go up to my aunt's house in LA after he left which was nice to have a distraction, and I love hanging out with that aunt. I managed to come home a whole day before leaving for mission viejo for the week. I'm currently there, actually. visiting my cousin and my aunt and uncle for a while. its been several years since i visited them so i figured it was high time. Saturday I will be heading back to town to support Amy as she graduates and stay in town a grand total of 4 days. Then i'm back off to LA and then Dallas until July 3. seems to be a busy month for me and next month I'll be up in LA weekly as well. I suppose its better to stay busy and distracted that have a bunch of time at home moping and bored. We shall see how the rest of this summer unfolds.

"We All Struggle With Forward Motion" (Relient k)

2011-05-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

well once again i have managed to slack on this whole blogging scene. I remain jobless, which is currently fine with me. I'll be working in LA alot of the summer watching my cousin, so I believe a job for 2 weeks would be pointless. I will be going to Dallas in June to visit my cousins and half uncle (?) lol. I'm really excited since I haven't seen them in a couple years. I have made a decision about where I will be going in the fall. Its Manhattan. yep, this west coast girl is officially concurring the east coast now. I will be moving sometime in August, probably around the 9th or so. my "phenomenon" as I called it, has not ended but is now under control. I have found a new prospect, as Lea calls them. We have had fun just talking alot and getting to know each other these last few weeks. We will both be moving to the east coast about the same time and its been really cool just seeing how strangely God works sometimes. I look forward to seeing where God decides to take this new friendship. I also had my 23rd birthday last week. It was kinda a fail at first when my family ate dinner without me but Jess, Amy, and Austin gave me a second chance at a nice birthday dinner. God bless them. I had a mellow birthday dinner thing this past weekend which was nice. I find myself in constant motion lately which has been fun and exciting but today I finally had some down time. It seems easiest though to remain busy and keep myself from having time to think about how hard it is going to be to move again. I love all the constant change and excitement but sometimes its nice to just embrace home. I've had home for the last 9 months though, and its time for me to embark on yet another adventure. Right now I have no idea what my future holds over on the east coast. I hold on though knowing that my Savior does, that I have friends in NY who will help, and that I have a piece of home a few hours away when I need it. Time for me to just hold on and have faith during this next turn in this ride called life, and I think I'm ready. Praise Him always!

questions in life

2011-05-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

well i have definitely slacked over the last 4 months or so. i guess my new years resolution didn't last very long. haha. alot has changed since then. i no longer work at intouch sales. the company has lost a substantial amount of money and laid of 25 of us. i'm not entirely upset about this though because i didn't actually enjoy sitting still for endless amounts of time. i have checked in with my counselor and i actually only have 2 classes left to finish my degree. i couldn't be happier about that. i've basically come to a point again where i have to change schools. i'm not sure what my next step is. i think i'm moving out of state, but most likely at least out of the county. so at this point in time, i have no idea where i'll be living in the fall. its going to be a suprise. haha. my life is very much up in the air right now. i seem to be experiencing this strange phenomenon as well. suddenly i seem to be the object of affection of every male thing that moves. while i'm sure this sounds extremely conceited, its true. i dont know when or how it happened but all of a sudden guys are coming out of the woodwork causing the opposite problem of before. haha. however, i think i am still nursing some wounds and do not think pursuing any relationships at this time is a particularly wise idea. in due time, in due time. so currently my life's existance is a bunch of questions: what guy, what shool, what state, what job? i guess this is what happens when you just live day by day without any planning. i'll figure it out eventually. well, Praise Him always!

A Time For Changes

2011-01-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

Well this past week or so has been pretty nonstop. It has involved some adventures though including failed attempts to go to the snow. i've continued to spend lots of time with caitlyn and the ibanez's which has been fun and they've definitely been pushing me further in the whole social aspect as well as the nocturnal arena. between that time i have also managed to finally get a job again, which is amazing. it took forever! i have started training and it seems like a pretty straight forward kinda thing. i am now a student advisor, all the work is done over the phone though. i have also started school back up, cue the homework and boredom. the good news is though, i like all of my professors, which helps a lot. lastly, me and caitlyn have decided we're going to NY this summer to visit danielle and everybody, as well as CO to visit her grandparents. should be a good time. overall i'd say this last week or so has been very busy and full of change. i definitely think this is a new chapter in my life. we shall see what all it involves. Praise Him Always!

Bike Rides are the Hott New Thing

2011-01-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

Well, this week has been a little bit mellower than last week, thankfully. Thursday we did celebrate my sister's birthday. We went and saw gulliver's travels and then headed over to the smith's for dinner and cake. friday nick and bre came over and we wandered around the mall and old town for a while. We also,finally, got new tubes for my bike and went for a bike ride. we stopped by josh's and carissa's houses on our route and said hello as well. saturday, i was back up in south bay for marcely and jeff's wedding. it was an awesome ceremony, pastor steve did a wonderful job. when i got home my aunt and cousins were down to finally celebrate christmas with us. sunday we had the smiths over for football again and me and bre went on the longest and hardest bike ride ever! i wanted to die! haha. monday morning, i had to drag my body out of bed at 4am and drive back up to woodland hills and watch my cousins +2 for the day. made a good chunk of money though and got home about 9 last night. i ended up crashing almost immediately after as well. This morning was nice, i went for a walk/ bike ride with jackie and hung out with her for a while. getting ready to hangout with caitlin and go on another bike ride with her. its just too nice of a day to pass it up! :) Praise Him Always!

You've Never Been To Coronado!?

2011-01-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

it has definitely been a full week. caitlyn has continued to kidnap me and take me on adventures. we were able to hangout with sarah and josh for a while at the mall on saturday and work on josh's closet. afterwards, i went to britney's 16th birthday party. i can't believe she's 16 already. so crazy! she had a dj'd party, which was fun and i had alot of time with breanna finally. sunday brought a service that i wasn't working on anything. it was unusual but nice. the smith's and compton's came over to watch the playoffs and we all hungout for the day. we finally got some stuff figured out as well. monday brought rest after constant motion the days before. i got alot done though that morning and met with carrie for our study. college group was awesome and refreshing, i was so glad to be back. we went and hung out at tgif for a while after as well. tuesday brought a trip to grossmont to pay for the upcoming semester. afterwards i went to grandma toni's and i finally saw coronado island for the first time. headed back to temecula when we were done and went to melissa's to teach her how to knit. she totally ended up making a scarf that looked more like a bikini but she's learning. then off to caitlyn's house to spend the night. tuesday brought an early start as we went to the ice skating rink with josh and caleb. it was a total blast skating around and goofing off. josh knocked me down twice, so i'm sore and bruised now but it was worth it. of course, since we went ice skating we had to get chipotle. after stuffing our faces, we all headed home. i got some rest and then headed to church. it was small last night but nice. i spent some time catching up with sophie afterwards at barnes & noble, a great time of fellowship if you ask me. now today brings my sister's 20th birthday. she is officially out of the teens. later tonight we'll go bowling and out to dinner before youth group. hopefully she has a good time. happy birthday, nana. Praise Him Always!

Kidnappings and Nerf Bullets

2011-01-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

Well once again i have slacked on my blogging duties. it has been a busy couple of weeks. i have been spending a lot of time with caitlyn lately as she seems to believe i am depressed and must be distracted. my and my friend have, once again stopped talking, this time it may be permanent. i don't know. the decision is entirely up to him and God. we have finally come to realize that the "just friends" title no longer works for us and apparently now its all or nothing. unfortunately, this point in time its nothing. the hope is to one day return to speaking again but i have no guarantees of such a thing ever happening. thus caitlyn believes i am depressed and need to be out of the house. it has been fun to be kidnapped and taken on random adventures with her though, so i definitely can't complain. i managed to experience some drug deals in murrieta and a naked man with carrie and carissa, this vacation has been eventful to say the least. we also celebrated christmas and new years since i last updated. christmas was good, we spent time down in SD with my grandma and the rest of my mom's family minus crappy uncle. it was nice to be able to hangout with everyone, watch football and movies, and make fun of each other. (this is a loving tradition on that side of the family) new years also went well. i spent alot of the day taking care of things at home but afterward i was able to spend some time at mikael's house before their party. i left the taylor's house and went to a swing dancing party. me and caitlyn didn't stay long but it was fun while we were there. then off to carol's house where we watched the kids, movies, and stuffed our faces with carol's delicious snacks. overall i think it went rather well. now life is once again starting to mellow back out before school starts back up. i am currently up in LA for a couple days watching Joey and Gino while their parents work. so in between blowing up army men and shooting each other with nerf bullets, i have managed a spare minute to update this thing. 2 more weeks before school starts, just enough time to freshen up on my russian and figure out what i'm gonna do about that stupid math class i took. wth!? hope all has been well with the rest of you. Praise Him Always.

Super Awkward Fake Date with Leattle

2010-12-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

Lea seems to believe that this story deserves to be told in my blog, therefore, it is getting its own entry. so, true to the theme in my life, i have ended up in yet another awkward situation. yesterday, i went to layne and claudette's house as usual (the youth pastor and his wife) to workout with claudette. layne had decided that he wanted to go to see the latest narnia movie that's currently out in theaters. so, he sent out a message on facebook and invited people to come see it with us. after running home and washing up, i blasted over to the theater since layne had said it would be crowded. i got there at 7, like i was told, and only lea and ryan were there. so i went to hangout with them and once layne and claudette arrived, ryan took off. all was fine and dandy until a certain understanding came upon me and lea, this looked alot like a double date... hmm... the situation quickly became awkward and me and lea continued to have huge fits of laughter. we had heard that our head pastor, Gary, would be coming and were relieved there would be an odd number of people. much to our dismay, Gary brought his wife and it turned into a triple date. now, you would think it wouldn't be all that bad since there's now six people all together, however, Gary has a history of trying to set us up. cue another layer of awkward. we now have 2 pastors and their wives looking at us with curiousity and making comments about how we're still in our first date awkward phase. shoot. me. now. a mother and son from our church arrived as well and helped difuse a small portion of the awkwardness, until the mom started making sound effects as she reacted to the entire movie. Overall it was a highly entertaining, highly awkward situation. would i ever want to relive this situation? probably not. Will me and lea have laughs about this one for a while? definitely. lea, ultimately i think our first date was a fail. and yet it was a win at the same time... hmmmm. now to mess with Gary's mind... Praise Him Always, leattle!

Candy Canes and Other High Priorities

2010-12-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

Well, quite a few things have changed since i last updated this blog. I choose to believe that i haven't updated for a while becauase i have been busy with excitement in my life as opposed to the laziness (which is the reality) take it as you will. Well, the church split has pretty much blown over and those that insist on causing problems are no longer members of our church. once again, God has gardened our church and removed the weeds if you will. me and my friend have once again returned to talking, praise the Lord. We have taken our alotted time apart and have been able to return to a friendship that is no longer spiritually distracting. Sometimes we have to let go of the things that are most important to us, because they become more important than God. that's when we can no longer have them. we shall have no other gods before Him. We also had our Christmas play last weekend. while it was extremely frustrating at times, including learning our lines the day of the performance; it was a blast. The performances went smoothly, praise God, there were a couple of screw ups but it was good overall. I did manage to start laughing during my solo, which was embarrassing but i think it provided some entertainment for the audience. I am officially finishing my first semester at grossmont on tuesday and i am so happy. i am done with math! i can't help but feel like this semester went extremely quickly and that my russian class should be going longer but such is life. on to the next chapter! russian 2 and biology! I'm a little concerned about taking those two at the same time but i know its possible. getting ready for an action packed christmas break and i can't wait for it to start on tuesday. finals that morning, then off to grandma's in SD and then back to temecula for girls night with melissa. as cliche as it sounds, remember the true reason for this season. while candy canes and presents tend to be high on my list of favorites, its not the most important thing. Remember Jesus Christ made all of this possible. Praise Him always!

Spiritual Attack Is Never Pleasant

2010-11-21T21:24:00.001-08:00

Well today, we have officially experienced another church split. While these happen periodically within the church, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, they seem to get harder. Maybe its the fact that i have now lived through 4 church splits and the whole experience is starting to get extremely frustrating. Although it might be the fact that this time my family was personally involved. While our head pastor was the primary person being attacked, my parents and our worship leader's wife were also lost in the mix. It is hard to show strength, love, and forgiveness for the rest of the church when you feel that the things being said are a personal attack on your family. Yes, i do feel that some of the people involved were deliberately stirring up strife (which btw isn't biblical) and i believe some others were just mislead by the gossip. I cannot deny the feeling this past year, that our family has been under complete and total attack. This church split is no exception. Our family is dealing with alot of crap that other people don't know about, and i'm sure many other families can say the same. So why are we expected to maintain an image of strength and courage when really we want to crumble under the wait? My dad is currently up in his room, sick to his stomach with the amount of stress and pressure this is putting on him. So of course, i went to the meeting and showed my support of him. God comes first, yes, and then comes family. Only after both of these comes friends. My family comes before any false relationships i may have believed i had within the church. Am i deeply offended and disturbed by the way some people have acted? yes. Will i forgive and forget? with time. But for now, i think i need some more time away from some of this body. I cannot continue to show support to people who i do not believe are following God. A walk with Christ doesn't always provide alot of friends and support, apparently this is one of those times. However, God is faithful and He's brought me through this year; He'll continue to do so, this i know for sure. Praise Him always.

A Time To Let Go

2010-11-10T14:55:00.000-08:00

One of my weakest areas is letting go, surrendering. I have fought so hard for this relationship to work but if God isn't in it, it won't succeed. i had to say goodbye to a very close and important friend today, something i never wanted to do. I didn't have the strength to do what i knew i had to, thankfully he did. we've become too close, it became consuming, it became our focus instead of God. I have to wonder how and when this happened, what was it that made us fall and focus on each other instead of God. Looking back, i realize alot of it was progressive. With each new trial or obstacle, we would somehow get even closer instead of falling apart, leaned on each other for support and came to each other for encouragement and laughs. on the surface that all seems fine and dandy, but when you come to each other before God, there is a problem and he wont be in it. we have to take a step back, take a break, let each other go. i believed this would be something that lasted for life, we both did, and i like to believe that one day God will redeem our friendship and let us have it back again. is that more of my inability to let go of what i hold so dear? is that more bondage, me having the hope of being able to return someday? but then, every time i see him and look at those eyes i see home, love, comfort, and support. everything he's been for me this past year or so. besides God, he was my one consistancy through this crazy year. how can i not hold onto that? how do i let go? on my own, i really don't have the strength. i've tried this last month or two and keep failing over and over again, i can't let go. God continues to pry my grip off of this, one finger at a time and yet i still hold tightly. what will it take for me to let go? it keeps getting harder and harder to hold onto what's being taken away, since i wouldn't give it up willingly. i'm finally wearing out and getting to that exhausted place where all that is left is surrender. God, i've spent so much time bargaining with you, telling you i'll only let go if i can have it back later, but i'm tired and exhausted and have no place else to go anymore. i give up. you win. Praise Him always!

My Talents Amaze Me

2010-10-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

one of my most notorious traits: getting myself in ridiculous situations. I mean really? sometimes i even amaze myself with my stupidity and ability to create a situation that should never exist. i have finally found myself in a situation that even my friends can't help me fix. under normal circumstances my friends can look from the outside and see here this is what you should do. nope. i ask for suggestions and 2 people give me a verse that has nothing to do with the situation and the other 2 just tell me that they dont know and that i'm in a sticky situation. really? wow. thanks. i didn't know that before you told me... One of the few people i ever thought i would end up having a problem with and i manage to somehow end up with a problem. sheez... if i had just thought twice about sending the e-mail, or if i had maintained my relationship with her while i was in russia, maybe none of this would've happened. i want to maintain a relationship with her but now she thinks i'm only in this to gain her approval to date her son. i want to get to know her cause i think she's really cool, fun, and has alot of wisdom to offer. i don't like that she's questioning my motives. it makes me feel guilty when i want to contact her now, like i'm doing something i shouldn't. am i doing something wrong? should i not be initiating a relationship with another christian woman? it sucks because i can't even tell her that i dont want her approval for her son. i do, the reality is, i do wish she approved of our relationship but i wish she could see that this isn't why i want to talk to her. i dont know what to do. do i continue trying to contact her and risk her thinking i'm still trying to gain her approval? or do i leave her alone for a while and seem to confirm her suspicions that i was only talking to her for her son? man! God, i need you to fix this becuase right now i just don't know how to. i don't want to lose the opportunity to have a good relationship with her God, i think she's amazing. i know that nothing i do or say can ultimately change her opinion of my motives, make them clear to her, God. help her to understand that i truely admire her as a woman and that i'm not just using her. God, you know the desires of my heart and you know that this relationship is what i desire. you know my wants and frustrations and you know what an amazing blessing he's been in my life. if its your will, please somehow clear the way for this to happen in your timing. your will alone though, God. Praise Him always!

Girl Time is essential

2010-10-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

well i have been in school and without Natalie for about a month or so now. life in california is finally starting to mellow out and kinda settle into a basic routine. i have finally begun to re-establish relationships with some of my girls again, i wasn't the best at keeping in contact while i was in Russia and New Jersey. i am so happy to finally be working with my high schoolers again. i have missed them while i was gone. we are beginning to start working on the youth group and making changes to improve it and its focus. we are trying to get the messages deeper and provide more for the youth, shallow meaningless messages is not something that we want to continue. similarly, we are now gonna start working on dividing the girls and guys once a month so we can delve into some deeper things with them that you can't always do with a mixed audience. i am now officially the girls teacher once a month. should be interesting... and growing... i think i'm ready for the new challenge though, i sometimes need motivation to dig deeper so this will be good. we also want to start working on some more discipleship for the kids in the youth group. one on one time is so helpful when you can get it. i'm so excited to see how the kids and the leadership will be affected by these changes, hopefully it will be powerful in our lives. lastly, the only other change is that amy is once again in the hospital. i have been spending most of my time helping april with all of it. being the adult and taking responsibility for everything since she can't seem to right now, along with being the comfort to the family. its hard to always remain strong for them and act like i can handle everything all the time. they need calm and strength and God apparently has me in that position right now for them. sometimes its hard to not show my fears and frustrations in this situation. God give me your strength and your wisdom becuase watching Amy's mind fall apart a second time while dealing with the same thing with my sister is tearing me apart. Be what i can't. Praise Him always!

Round 3: California

2010-09-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well i did finish out my time in russia which was amazing of course. i survived the hard times there and came out stronger because of them. God places every situation and moment over there in my life for a reason. I cannot thank him enough for the opportunity i had to work over there. i ended up coming home for only about a week and i was busy taking care of school stuff and packing up before leaving again for new jersey. that was also a trying but rewarding time. some of the kids that i worked with over there had some extremely difficult lives to live and i was amazed that they were still pulling through. alot of the girls were very hard to work with but in the end i was able to see changes in some of them and that's a blessing. i did end up meeting a guy there as well. however, dating is not in our future. i do sometimes tend do jump into things i shouldn't and this happened to be one of them. however, as stupid and hurt i felt by the whole situation, it helped remind me to be content with what i have here. it reminded me of some of the amazing things i have in my life here and sometimes you really dont need any more than that. i am back in school once again and wishing i wasn't. i am also still looking for a job back here in california. in most ways i have readjusted to life in california but in some ways, i have definitely changed during this 6 month period and i will never fit exactly into that same mold i was in before. my family life is still completely different from the way its been the last 22 years. i think it will take me quite a while to get used to the new strains in our house. the court date has been postponed until october 22 and then we find out if my parents and i have custody or not. this has been a long a difficult battle, that i still dont understand the purpose of, i'm still frustrated with it and wish things would just go back to how they were. but there seems to be no end to the nonsense with this. where is the end of this God? why are you still toying with my family and our lives? what is it you're doing because i really cant see it. so much of this feels meaningless and painful. i just want some rest from all of this, i want back out of california. God give me rest, peace, and faith. Praise Him always!

a change of direction...again

2010-04-19T01:01:00.000-07:00

Well i have been in Russia for around a month now and i can't say that it's been easy. i have gotten sick three different times since i've been here already. i am still sick with the third one. i went through some drama about two weeks ago where some of my friends weren't even talking to me and i felt all alone in this foreign country. i was left with nobody to talk to except the very guy i decided to stop talking to. very frustrating place to find myself in, stuck alone in a country where i dont speak the language. i suddenly found myself wanting to give up and just go back home to california. i was so homesick and hated my situation. english camp was good besides the drama that was happening, God was growing me. my kids are all sick right now so i haven't been able to meet with them yet unfortunately. i loved my group of kids and can't wait to hangout with them again)) as much as i came here to work with these very kids, it has been very difficult to get in contact with them. however, i have been able to meet with some of my past students and have been working with them until my new kids get well again. now i am beginning to feel God pull me in a different direction, i am seeing alot of work to be done in stancyia mir and maybe God is calling me to help work on it. this is going to be a difficult task since i do not have any position here to tell people what to do and i have strained relationships with some of them. however, i have been through these same situations in our youth group at home and know how to work through them. i am hoping to start doing some kind of bible study with the girl leaders in this group. if you help the leaders, they can help the kids. this is yet another step of faith over here. Praise Him always!

Christianity takes Sacrifice and Discomfort

2010-03-25T03:05:00.000-07:00

well i have been here about a week and a half now and it has been alot of change. i have been able to see all my friends over here and hang out with them for a little bit. so its been really nice. i get along with my roommates really well now and i will probably maintain relationships with them even after we all move out. i have mostly been going to alot of long and boring meetings lately, mostly to work out details for the english camp. i was able to meet up with my adel for a while yesterday and really talk to her about alot of things that have been going on in her life. it was cool being able to have a heart to heart with her. i think she really needed it. i have been having a really hard time lately being focused on God and what i need to do. unfortunately guys have been a huge distraction when i wish it wasn't. i have been praying for about a year now for God to take away these feelings and this distraction and He still hasn't done that. he's in so many of the same places i am now and its so frustrating and hard not to care. i have asked some of my friends to really pray about this for me. i do not want anything to distract me while i'm here, i want my focus to ever be on God. i really let go of control of all of this situation because over the past year, i haven't been able to solve the problem in my own power. i eventually came to the conclusion that there was only one way to solve this problem. i talked to him this morning and explained the situation. i told him that yes i had feelings for him unfortunately and its very distracting. so i couldn't come up with any other answer but to tell him that we can't talk anymore unless its important or for ministry. i am saddened that i had to mess with this friendship and make it awkward but i want nothing to stand in between me and my walk with God and my feelings were in the way. he was thankfully very understanding and supportive. i didn't want to think i was mad and stopped talking to him or anything, so i explained it all. hopefully this is the solution and answer to prayer. if GOd wants something to happen, He can work around this situation but i will not be the one to try to force this to happen. His will and His will alone. Praise Him always!

Priviet Russia!

2010-03-17T02:32:00.000-07:00

well, the time has finally come for me to move to Moscow. All those months of desperately trying to raise money in time and mounds of paperwork have finally paid off. I am currently sitting in my apartment in Moscow. this cold and dark city somehow still manages to maintain a sort of beauty and draw to it. my flight was pretty good. it was definitely the longest trip to Russia i've ever had to endure but thankfully it felt like my fastest. the time flew by probably by the grace of God. I clearly felt everyone's prayers around me through the entire trip. I should've been stressed out, tired, and lonely but i felt none of those things. I had pretty bad jetlag my first night and i was a walking zombie on monday and tuesday. however, i am finally back in action and ready to take on this new adventure at full speed. in alot of ways i still dont feel like i have moved here. i feel like i am only here for a visit and in many ways i am. i am not a permanent resident of russia. i am a guest for the next 3 months and as such i am to remain on my best behavior. everything i do during this trip will be carefully watched and considered as the leadership decides if they want me to come back for a more permanent stay. at this point in time, i am very much ok with that possibility and dont want to go back to the states. i'm told however, that i am due for some serious culture shock and homesickness in about another week or two when the americans leave again and i'm still here. prayer will definitely be needed for that part. God, i pray for this trip, that you would use it to the fullest. that you would allow me to do your work your way and in your timing. allow none of me to take control of my time here. May it all be for you. Please dont allow drama among other girls or guys become any kind of distraction for me. please remove my concern for the cctv youth group while i'm gone. please comfort and protect them through this time. please allow me to still be there for them when they need me as well. please allow me to be a witness to my kids over here and anyone else i come into contact with. do not let me miss any opportunities to glorify You. i pray that you would give me the energy, finances, and time i need to accomplish all these things according to your purpose. I praise You and love You. In Jesus' name. Amen.

One month later

2010-03-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

Well, i have finally finished being sick every other day and have been restored to health. the stress level hasn't diminished yet but on occasion it does lower. i have raised quite a bit of money lately i'm at $3,785 i think. i still need another $700 to "survive" but i'll need more to be able to actually do things. school is almost done, i am one 10 page paper and 2 finals away from being free. i am so happy that its almost over again. i will be leaving for moscow very soon. in about 10 days. i'm so excited and so nervous at the same time. i can't wait to see my friends and hang out with them and work with my kids. i understand though, it comes at a price. i have to say goodbye to everything i know. that brings some weight into the mix. though i feel an almost constant state of excitement, i cant help feel worry and sorrow. i know i can't blame myself for chelsae's decision to date matt but i know that my leaving is why she is so anxious to find someone. she's afraid to be alone for those 3 months. I also cant help feel severely guilty about leaving the youth group. i mean i understand that i dont own the youth group and i'm not the most important person there but i also know that i hold a big piece of it. as much as layne and scott do to allow us to go on the retreats, i end up taking care of alot of the organisational stuff. I'm afraid they're gonna leave the paperwork or something at the retreat in a few weeks. also, i know that the kids wont open up to layne, scott, or claudette. i'm the one that all of them talk to about everything. i'm the one that has to deal with all the problems and i'm the one that resolves them. i cant help feeling like the youth group is gonna fall apart or go nuts while i'm gone. i feel like i can't help them like i normally do, if i'm gonna be gone all this time. i also feel like something is gonna go really wrong with my sister or dillon while i'm gone. i can't shake that feeling and it really scares me. i mean, i wont be there to do anything about it. are these irrational fears? i'm not really sure. i'm also kinda afraid i'll end up getting homesick or hardcore culture shock even though i've been there a million times. i guess time will tell...Praise Him always!

Sick of being sick

2010-02-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been in school about 3 weeks now and i've finally gotten everything mellowed out and into a schedule now. I have my classes on a fast track schedule, so the work load is crazy! (basically a semester is normally 4 or 5 months long but i'm doing it all in 2 months or less) I am getting very excited about going back to Russia again. I cant believe its been a year already! I will be having final exams the week before i leave, so i've been slowly packing things i wont need here such as snow jackets and boots. i somehow ended up almost completely packed, i just need to add my toiletries and pj's basically. this has helped me feel a little bit less stressed about trying to get everything done because i have one thing almost finished. i am also sick for the third time in the last month. i was sick with some throat problem all last week and now i have a cold. I just want to be healthy again, but i think the lack of sleeping and all the stress is making it hard for me to stay healthy. i hope i wont get sick while i'm over in Russia like i do every year. its so annoying. other than school and being sick all the time, not a whole lot has happened. I am currently working on the fundraising for my trip right now, i have already turned in $1450 but i still need to raise another $3550. so much money! i know that God will provide though. I just need to trust Him. Praise Him always!

signs of doubt

2010-01-20T20:23:00.000-08:00

i think i might be a little bit off. i didn't once doubt the fact that we'd be going to camp this weekend and yet it was canceled. was i ever really supposed to go to the high school camp at all? God, you know how much i wanted and needed that. why have you taken it from me? there are times that i start to doubt if i'm really supposed to be going of to moscow or not. i mean i know that God has ordained this and He's been setting all of this up but now i have no money. i have no way of paying for this trip and getting over there. God, how and when will you provide? you're seriously starting to scare me. like really bad. am i supposed to go? please just tell me. i'm so frustrated with this waiting and not knowing. then i've been having doubts about rendell. i really like him and he cares about he alot. i could basically barf right in front of him and he'd still adore me. is he bringing me down in my walk? no not really. but is he supporting me in it? no not really. i am walking all on my own in this relationship and i'm supposed to somehow be maintaining the purity for both of us. thats alot of pressure and self control that i dont have. rendell says that he'll wait for me while i'm in Russia. is it better for me to break things off with him so he isn't forced to wait? i mean i understand that he is willing but how long will he really last? i mean he said so himself that he hasn't even reached love yet. that's not too promising. also, what's going on with shawn? i mean i understand the whole thing about him being busy but if he has time to text me that he doesnt have time, than he has time to text a response. i feel like i kinda freaked him out with all my rendell questions. like maybe it traslated as me saying i'd break up with him for shawn or something. chelsae says he's backing off because he's falling in love with me. now that is something i highly doubt. i've already given him reasons to lose respect for me. i mean, i ask him for prayer for purity. he hasn't even kissed a girl yet, what interest would he have in me? none. so that's obviously not the situation. i'm just really confused. he's one of my best guy friends and i dont even have his support right now with all of this going on. i hope he isn't separating himself because there's stuff going on in his life. i hope he isn't depressed again. i hope he's alright. i really do love that guy. i miss my shawnathon. hopefully some of these answers start clearing up soon. i dont like confusion.

Get a grip, Teresa

2010-01-20T19:51:00.001-08:00

in an effort to observe tradition, i will start of this post by saying: i haven't updated in a while. its been almost a month if we want to get down to specifics. it continues to be a difficult season for me but again, i should expect that with the upcoming trip. allow me to do a short recap of what i've been up to before i start complaining about my life. well for new years me, chelsae, and rendell all went to Mikael's house. we played apples to apples for a while and ended up heading home around 1130 to avoid all the drunk people. i no longer work at kohls anymore. i did my 3 shifts and now they're done with me. i am now working with hope and chelsae in the carpet cleaning business. its alot of hard work and you actually earn your money as opposed to folding clothes in a store. i just finished my second job with them today actually. i'm getting better already. i've been trying to save up whatever money i earn, but its somehow magically disappearing. i don't quite understand it. i also did the jr high retreat with the girls. it was a good growing time and i was able to work things out with their leadership. me and rendell broke up for a grand total of two days as well. it was really stupid and just a miscommunication. we're back together again. it was a really hard time for me, dealing with breaking up with rendell, not having a job, and trying to figure out my trip. i was really concerned about posting some things i was dealing with because i was afraid people would read it and it would become a problem. when i finally finished greiving dillon's HIV, i found out what was wrong with my sister. i mean we always knew something was wrong with her but we never knew what specific category she fell under. well she was finally diagnosed. my sister is schitzophrenic. i have been sworn to secrecy so she wont be singled out or anything. so i have to bear it completely alone. even after almost a month of knowing, i'm still trying to fight the tears from rolling down my cheeks as i write about it. my sister is crazy. she sees and hears things that aren't actually happening. then she goes to therapy and finds out half of her life was a dellusion and lie. then remains medicated for the rest of her life. schitzophrenia is a degenerative problem. if the medications dont work, she'll eventually lose any grips with reality. how is that not psychologically damaging to know that will happen to your own sister? i've been feeling like i'm beyond repair with the amount of stress that is being thrown at me right now. i need the high school camp so bad but yet it was canceled because of the stupid snow! gah! i hate the snow! i hate how all of the paperwork i need to fill out all depends on each other and cant be done before each other. which one freakin goes first? i hate how school isn't working out at all, i'm in 2 classes this semester. two. i hate how i have no money for my trip. i hate how bad my insomnia's getting. i hate that i've become an emotional wreck over the last two months. i hate that i can't seem to catch a break. i hate that i have no control over my life. sometimes, i really do just hate my life. clarification: am i suicidal or anything? no. just frustrated. Praise Him Always!...somehow.

Tis the season to go shopping?

2009-12-28T14:57:00.000-08:00

well clearly nobody actually reads this thing since nobody said they read it. this is probably a good thing. this means i can be totally honest about what i think and leave all filters behind. my little blog, remains entirely my own business. very nice. well my christmas eve went well. we went to the smiths house and exchanged gifts. being the smart alecs that they are, they actually got me a victoria secret card. oh dear. it was fun though. we played some singing game on the wii and did rock band and stuff. pretty entertaining if you ask me. chris and corina can't sing to save their lives. christmas was good as well. i went home in the morning to open presents with everyone which was nice. i miss being around my family a little bit. then we went down to chula vista to chill at my grandma's house. it was good. though a little bit weird because uncle bill was being really nice. i dont know what he's trying to do. probably get back in everyone's good graces again. nice try uncle retard. aunt tina continues to not quite fit with our family too. you would think after all these years, she would learn...oh well. after an early dinner, some laughs, and a couple glasses of wine, we went home. then i went back to clare's house to spend christmas night sick and miserable. not so nice. the day after christmas, we went shopping to use up some of the gift cards. i got so much stuff and haven't even put a dent in all the cards i still have. its so crazy! rendell was bored out of his mind, of course. towards the end, he started losing it so we gave up and left. i think i might go shopping again with chelsae for a little bit today before the party but i'm not quite sure. yep. its becoming rather boring at this house the longer i stay. however, i'm finally making progress on bre's scarf. its almost done. i'm still debating if i want to make her a beanie to go with it or not. hmmm. i'm getting antsy with the whole russia thing, i don't know where i stand on all of that. i need to start coming up with money and i'm kinda scared to be honest. it doesn't seem like enough time to come up with all the money. i have alot of paperwork i need to start filling out too. bleck. i'm ready for school to start, so i'll have some busy work to keep my mind off of it once in a while. plus, the sooner school starts, the sooner i'll be done and i'll find myself on a plane getting ready to start a new life. *sigh* sounds pretty nice. i'm so ready to move over there! there's so much i want to do. alas! a text from chelsae! some entertainment finally! Praise Him always!

animal farm

2009-12-23T10:17:00.000-08:00

dillon has been tested once again and his t-cells are still at a healthy level, no aids yet. well my life since getting back out of school primary revolves around house sitting and watching large quantities of animals. i stayed at aunt amy's house until yesterday. it wasn't bad. gus and echo are pretty easy dogs, let them out to go to the bathroom and feed them once a day. their cat banzai is another story. she's pretty easy to take care of since she pretty much doesn't eat. it was nice to have a companion while i was sleeping too. she's quite the cuddler, unfortunately she likes attention all night. i have now moved to claire's house, where i will be living until jan 7. jan 8 will be the junior high retreat. its going to be kinda busy with all the pet care that goes on in this house. between 4 dogs, there's alot of strange needs. i have been woken up a woppin 3 times last night after i finally crashed after midnight. looks like i'm going to have to find new ways to sleep or this cold will become bronchitis as always. i'm hoping to beat this trend for once and only have a cold. bronchitis really does get old after a while. last night was nice though. my mom could tell from my voice that i was sick when i talked to her on the phone. so her and nana came over with soup, cornbread, pie, and the movie julie and julia. i ended up inviting sarah gorton over to watch the movie with us since she was down the street. so that was cool to hang out with her. then we went back to her house and i was finally able to talk to shawn and see what was going on. a relief to hear he's doing better, its been a long hard road for him but i think he's pulling through. :) so proud of my little shawnathon. we watched some comedy clips on youtube for a while too. i finally left their house about midnight and was so grateful for eileen's bed and some sleep. i called rendell before i went to bed, as is tradition, and we talked about our days. apparently by that point though i was sick and grumpy, at least that's what i was told. i'll have to watch my demeanor while i'm sick. i don't want more people to think i'm being grumpy....so i have to wonder, how private is this blog? does anyone read this or are my thoughts kept to myself? if you read this please tell me, i want an idea of how many people know what i really think. (you don't need an account to comment)

Praise You when I'm laughin...Praise You when I'm cryin?

2009-12-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

well i have one more day of school left: tuesday. i survived "hell week." it wasn't as bad as i had thought. i currently sit in front of a blank page that waits to be filled with my words and thoughts. yet, nothing comes. i sit here feeling..nothing and everything at once. i feel blank and yet i feel like darkness, sadness, tears, anger, and betrayal. how could it get to this? i remember running around with him this summer looking for a place to get him tested. the tests came back negative. no std's. Praise God. "let that be a lesson to ya" i said. "no more sleepin around" however, i finally get that dreaded message. "hun, i have HIV." it didnt register at first and i just said i'm sorry. that was friday night when i was half asleep. saturday morning comes along and i vaguely remember talking to him the night before. i look back at my messages and my heart stops. i don't know what to do say or think. i'm frozen. then i recall when i happened passively watch rent once. flashes of the character angel sitting in a hospital bed dying of aids keep running through my mind. i remember seeing a man in san francisco so skinny he looked like he was in the holocaust victum. "aids" my mom said. "one of the worst diseases to die from." and suddenly reality floods over me. his HIV will turn to AIDS and he will die. a slow and painful death. i curl up in a ball and lose any will to get up. "you have to get up and be strong for him. you have to see him." chels's getting me up. how can this have happened? how did he not learn with the first scare? how long will it stay HIV? how much longer do i have with him? how am i gonna survive without my dill? i've known him too long. we've been too close. God please don't make it soon!

Time, time, can I have more time?

2009-12-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

well i have finally gotten some of the information from new generation. jill and jenny both e-mailed me this morning. i will be leaving march 15 and i will stay for 3 months. i received the application information today too. i have to fill that out this week and give it to the people who will have to fill out the recommendations as well. i honestly dont have time for everything that i need to do. its sometimes overwhelming. i haven't slept in days and yet i see another sleepless night coming tonight. with so many homework assignments and papers to write. its hard to finish it all. i know God can help me succeed but at the same time its frustrating. i haven't had time to do any other homework this weekend because of the plays. i need a nap and yet i dont have time for one. i'm also rather wired because things are finally moving forward with all of this. i am so excited to finally see a little tiny bit of progress. God is good. now i just need to come up with the funds even sooner! goodness! stress! Praise Him always!

Praise Him in my confussion, Praise Him in my clarity

2009-11-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

well its been another month since i've updated this thing. as always i slack on this thing. well me and Rendell had our 2 months on wednesday. my parents still dont know about it since Rendell hasn't been at our church the same sundays my dad is. He still wants to ask my dad's permission. i dread that day. they shred all of my guys apart. i still have the same confusion about everything. i still wonder if this is right. ally is still sure he's not right for me and i still have alot of people telling me i'm gonna marry a certain russian. this is so confusing sometimes. i'm tired of everyone telling me this. I'm not in Russia, wait till i like there to tell me this please. God, take away this distraction. Find him and mold him because i don't have the patience to do it myself. on the topic of Russia, i have been asked if i still want to do a stint over there. i begin the application process in about another week or two. i hear there is lots and lots of paperwork. apparently i will probably be living with anya in her apartment which would be cool. i will probably be staying for well over a year which i'm a little leary about. i'm mostly scared that either everyone will hear about it and then i wont be able to go. so i'm keeping this to myself, which is rather difficult. i am also still in total shock about the amount of money i will need to come up with. sacha said it would probably be around $55,000 i hope she's wrong! well, i will be finishing school early because i'm not sure when i'm moving. all my classes are fast track and i will have my degree in march before english camp. i'm really concerned about all of this because its a really large load. i'm struggling to keep up sometimes and i'm afraid i'm going to fail my statistics class. God you will have to do a miracle on this one. Please have mercy and supernaturally give me the time and understanding to succeed in this class! Please give me guidance in all of these things as i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing right now. I am flying blindly and trusting You know what we're doing. I know that you have had your hand in this whole stint process God. I have finally done what you wanted me to do and I've accepted that i am in California for the time being. as i've finally let go, you've finally given me the go ahead on this and i'm so thankful. each of my problems have slowly been clearing to allow this to happen. you changed jenny's heart about me working there, you've provided me with a job, you've provided me with support, and next for the funds. Praise You Always!

How do I make the nothing in my wallet into something?

2009-10-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

well, i no longer work for Kelly's coffee shop. they relocated and said they would call me when they were settled in again. however, i don't want to stay with them since they're so sketchy. so i didn't make it to marina's wedding like i had hoped i would. i am currently completely broke. school is still the same, i'm doing much better with it though, i'm staying more focused but i still hate it. me and Rendell have been dating now for 1 month 11 days. it has been going really well too. we celebrated our one month anniversary by going to Bj's for dinner and planned on seeing fame but we were both too tired. we have been working on the christmas play for a while now too. the practices are going well and most people know their parts now but the girls need to be in sync for this to work correctly. halloween is also this weekend. i think i'll probably just go 50's for the church party. apparently i'm dressing like a cop for chelsae's party though. should be interesting...i also found out that the first russia meeting was this last sunday. i was a little upset that i wasn't informed about it but amy caught me up. apparently its march 20-april 2 and its $3200. ouch. i have no idea how any of this is going to work because i still don't have a job. i know that russia is where i'm supposed to be though so it'll work. i'm being told by someone that it won't work until i break up with Rendell because i'm not doing what God wants me to do by dating him. what's that about? i'm so frustrated by that but its still in the back of my mind... crap.

Thanks a latte for the job offer..

2009-09-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

well its been a little while since my last post. school is well on its way now once again. carissa moved out about a week or two ago to live with her mom again. its kinda sad actually, cause we never see each other anymore and never talk. i'm not a fan of this new found distance. i have a job once again in a coffee shop. i work at kelly's at the mall. i'm happy to be working with coffee again, its such a good fit. even though the owner's son is a total weirdo and i get like no hours. i'm thinking about getting a second job becuase i really need to be making money, especially since i want to go to florida for the wedding, though i know it wont happen. i need to start saving for english camp too, its not far away at all! as always, i'm struggling to keep motivated and interested in school but i'm doing better than i used to so that's good. i really wish i was a good student who studied hard and did really well. i need to do well if i want to transfer anytime soon too. the relationship status has changed as well, chelsae's roommate's best friend rendell proved to be really cool actually. we were in this weird transitional state for a while but we went official sept 18. so we've been together for a little while now. its been really cool. i'm really impressed with him actually. its hard to explain it but the way he treats me is something i have never truely experienced. he's so tender and careful with the way he acts and treats me. i hate to admit it, but i'm totally falling for this dude. we'll see where it goes, i'm excited for the adventure either way. Praise Him always!

I Have Joined the Race for Knowledge

2009-09-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

well the eternal, or yearly in this case, search for knowledge has begun once again. yes, school has started. while i generally find school a rather distasteful place, i rather enjoy my classes this semester. i'm a little concerned about my statistics class cause i struggle with math but i think i'll be ok with jorgen's help. also my reading class is a complete and total waste of time but again, nothing i can't handle. however, my world religions class is always an interesting one, full of new information for me to dive into. as well as my english class, where my professor continually finds these captivating stories. let the learning process continue! things have once again settled in temecula. the girls are gone, and carissa is back. even though at times, this might seem slightly mondain, i'm glad to have things back to normal and have some stability again. today after school me and carissa spent some time translating and working out the choreography for a sign language performance in the play. it was very stretching and frustrating to try and choreograph a piece to louder music (awake and alive by skillet) but overall i'm pleased with the outcome. it'll definitely get the point across. also coming up this weekend is One God, One Voice. apparently its kinda like a one day retreat over at calvary chapel south bay. i'm really excited to be going up there again, that church is such a blessing to me in so many ways. its going to be awesome getting a day of renewal and just total filling of the spirit as well. this is a golden opportunity for fellowship and for hearing more of the word. Praise Him always!

Timing is everything

2009-08-24T00:03:00.000-07:00

well some of my questions have been answered. my desent towards land has finally begun. today has been a very good but unplanned day. this morning i had to drive all the way back to temecula from hunington for a skit at church. then i made my way back up to south bay to attend the service, where i ran into rigo. i was kinda upset about it because i wanted it to just be a time for me to focus and hear from the Lord but God used it. we were able to talk and made the decision that friendship is better suited for us. i was glad to finally have the resolution i was looking for. i feel a weight off of my shoulders. the strange thing about the situation is that, just as rigo is kinda moving out of my life, jake suddenly starts moving back in. i can't help but notice the strangeness of the timing, especially with him not knowing anything about rigo. anyways, the rest of my day was a huge encouragement. i was totally fed in the sermon and then me and marcely were able to hang out and just totally fellowship and talk about things in our lives right now. God has totally placed us in each others lives for a reason. we also went to the high school service tonight and that was a blessing too. God was just pouring Himself into me today and i'm stoked about it. tuesday is the beginning of school again and friday is the end of the girls visit. it seems so long and short at the same time. its been a blessing either way and i look forward to our time spent together in Russia in the spring. Praise Him always!

Patience is a virtue... that I don't have

2009-08-20T00:18:00.000-07:00

well the Russians have been here for about a week now. alot has changed i must say. we've already done disneyland, the beach, and cara's boat. The girls seem to be having alot of fun and really enjoying themselves, minus natalie fighting with Rigo. it feels like things have been nonstop since they got here. is it just my imagination? possibly. it doesn't help that i am currently sharing a bed with Carissa and haven't been sleeping most of the time they've been here. i need relaxation and His peace. so many other things are going on that i have no control over. things i need to stop stressing about and just let go of. i can't make him call me anytime sooner. i can't make God's decision for myself. i can't make sure that this semester of school will go well. i can't make sure my mom keeps her job. and i can't make someone hire me. i feel as though i'm in a suspeneded position, hanging above all my decisions, waiting for that one missing piece of information i need to finally land. i so desprately want to land in whatever place it is that God has me but right now, i just need to wait. patiently. oh so patiently. God help me to do so.

This is your Wake up Call, Put on Love!!!

2009-08-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I am finally back in Temecula. This past week has been awesome. God really worked up on the mountain, as He is always faithful to do.

The junior highers were alot of fun and alot easier to keep track of. They were really good about sticking with me. We goofed off, played dead cockroach, and shouted the Bref Stank song. Most importantly though, God worked in my girls lives. The girls mostly learned about how we need to be prepared for the Lord's return and stop sleeping. Some also learned about how to love your enemy when they hate you. Another learned that she needs to be a witness to her dad. In the junior high camp, I relearned a simple lesson. God reminded me how important my Christian friends really are. We need that encouragement and accountability we get with good fellowship. Even luke-warm Christians can bring you down, its not just nonchristians. He also reminded me of His faithfulness in answering prayer. He answered even the silliest prayers up there, just to remind me of His love! Prais Him!

The high schoolers were also really good. We had two get sick but that's the only real problem that we had. I was able to really connect and talk to some of my girls in a way I haven't before. Because of my girls openness and willingness to be change, God did just that. He totally broke them, overwhelmed them, and renewed them, we even had a kid get saved!!! How awesome is that!? God really reminded me about meekness on the high school retreat. I had already finished the junior high retreat and I still had another one to do. I was exhausted and my patience was wearing out. God showed me that I need to not be making comments or fighting back if someone annoys me. "Let it just roll off your back" God is faithful to teach us if we are willing. :)

When i got home from the high school camp, me and Leanna had to drive over to Disneyland to meet up with my mom and Denise. I only lasted a couple hours because I was exhausted but it was good to hang out with them for a while and see them on their birthdays. So at about 12:30 last night, I have finally returned home, changed and renewed. Next step, clean my room and house before the Russians arrive on Wednesday. Praise Him always!

How many Teresa's does it take to complete the next few weeks?

2009-07-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

well my best friend has now been wrongfully fired from starbucks as well. i find it dishearting to know that these things can continue to happen and nobody can stop it. she'll be leaving for Fiji tomorrow on a missions trip and i wont see her for two weeks. its sad to think i wont see her for that long but we'll both be really busy during that time. today i'm supposed to meet up with one of my old co-workers for lunch, meet up with another one to stock up for the retreat, go visit another friend who's injured, and spend time with Carissa before she leaves for Fiji. i think it's gonna be a busy day. tomorrow i will have to pack and clean up a little bit because sunday, right after church i leave for the retreats. i was only supposed to be the counselor for high school but the jr high counselor backed out. so i'm going up the mountain with the jr highers and then staying there until the high schooler leave a week later. once i finally get home from the retreat, i'm supposed to turn around and go up to anaheim to go to disneyland with my mom for her birthday. then i'll have a day or two to finish changing my room before natalie and irina get here. then the fun times will begin))it's going to be a very fun next couple weeks but its going to be very long and tiring. please pray that i will have patience with the people around me and the energy to accomplish everything i need to up at camp.

Sometimes you need to tear down to build up

2009-07-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

well it has definitely been a long time since i've updated this thing. i believe its been since before i went back to Russia. life's been interesting lately. alot of things have changed. i no longer have my job at starbucks. as most of you know, i was framed for a lot of stuff there and ended up being fired for things i didn't do. after that, i ended up babysitting Breanna and Nicholis (the kids who used to live with us) that was one of the coolest jobs, God blessed me to allow me to have it. i was able to hang out with the kids that i really care about and just hang out with them and be an encouragement to them. i no longer work as their babysitter anymore but i know that God has already set aside a new job for me. i just need to sit back and trust instead of stress about it. its been cool lately too. since i don't have a regular job, i have a flexable schedule and i've been able to spend more time with my christian friends and have fellowship. it was difficult at starbucks being constantly surrounded by filth. so its been awesome to be able to detox and be surrounded with God's word and people for a while. my walk has improved so much lately and i'm so excited about it. God's been tearing apart alot of aspects of my life but sometimes to need to tear down to build up. here's my recommended reading for the day 1 peter 1 and also the book called captivating for you girls. its absolutely amazing. it'll totally change your perspective on life as a christian woman. Praise Him always!

repetition

2008-10-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

he's back in the hospital again. not learning from the same mistake.

confessions of an adult herion addict???

2008-10-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

well it has definitely been a while since i have written on here. so much has changed. i've been back from russia for a while now and i had been working on getting back over there to do a stent for a year. i finally have resolution on that, i will be moving over there march of 2010. school? well i didn't go this semester but i am starting back up again in january. as well as promoting at that time. me and jake dated for about 5 or 6 months but it did not end smoothly like we would have hoped for. there were issues with jealousy, insecurity, and trust that we could not resolve and chose to return to just friends. there were weaks of fighting and frustration but we are once again on good terms.
however, this is not my purpose in returning to this profile. i have returned to this in order to vent my frustration, betrayal, and hurt. maybe i am overreacting, "making a big deal out of nothing" but somehow i don't think so. i have discovered that my friend is in fact a heroin addict. i have seen the signs for a while now. somebody once jokingly said "he's tweaking" i laughed and brushed it off but it has in fact, remained in the back of my mind to fester and grow. i continued to watch his jitters, pacing, his vomiting, lack of appetite, and weird sleeping patterns. yet i told myself i was reading too much into it, imagining things. that's just his personality. then one day he is throwing up uncontrolably to the point where i thought i'd have to drive him home or to the hospital. says he ate something weird or is getting the flu. i take it at face value.
next thing i know he's disappeared. doesn't return calls or texts. nobody knows where he is. suddenly a call from his brother. he's in the hospital. two more weeks of nothing. a month later he comes back, says he had some serious condition, that it was taken care of and that he went to a rehabiliation center to restrengthen his muscles. once again i believe but wonder what this condition is. i ask and he just says its complicated. i let it go.
later i borrow a book from him. beautiful boy. the story of an addict. with every page i turn, the signs begin to present themselves to me. i continue to ignore. the farther i get in the book, the more i see it until they are throwing themselves at me and screaming it in my face. "he's addicted to something!" i know it is not meth like the kid in the story but i don't know my drugs well enough to identify which one it is.
suddenly some truth. something revealed. a little light in all the darkness and confusion. a friend of his. "he's been doing heroin. he overdosed and ended up in the hospital." "don't ever tell him you know, he's so embarrassed" this isn't the first time i bring it up to him. "are you on drugs?" once again "no." i want to believe him so badly. i do anything i can to continue to convince myself that everything is ok. that he isn't lying to me. that he would trust me enough to tell me if something was happening. no. i can't hide it. its lies. he's addicted. i'm deceived. i'm a fool. i can't even look his friend in the eyes for fear of breaking down in front of him and the rest of the people around us. i continue to shut off the emotion, the fear, and the betrayal. but as i type this the reality is slowly dawning on me. he is addicted and i can't help him. i can't save him, and i can't cure him. i can only watch, pray and hope. hope for a future for him. hope that he'll stay sober. hope that he'll one day be honest with me about it. now i sit here fighting the tears that so desperately want to stream down my face, i take in the reality that my tears will not help, save, or even phase a heroin addict.

smores! who could want more?

2008-02-13T12:48:00.000-08:00

well once again, i have begun to slack on my blogging duties. i have been quite busy with school and work lately. i've also been working hard on getting the spaghetti dinner worked out. its alot more work than i expected but it needed to be done if i wanted the funds for Russia this year. things are finally falling together again. we have the date set for the dinner and the restraunt knows how many people and all of that. also, i got a few more pledges for money so that's good. its looking more and more promising that i'm going back to Russia. i can't wait to go back! me, chelsea, and jake went back to santa rosa on saturday again. it was fun but i don't think chelsae was enjoying it that much and it brought things down a little bit. we got to make smores too! yummy! i love making smores. i am officially sick once again though. yuck. i think i never got all the way over the cold i had in january but whatever. :) have a blessed week!

assistant managers and checking accounts

2008-02-04T12:36:00.000-08:00

well school has been going pretty well. nothing too exciting there. work is alright. we have a temporary assistant manager right now that i can't stand though. he drives me up the wall! he gave us all these stupid nicknames that we have to go by and he tried drawing on my face with permanent marker. he needs to go! i'm sick of his nonsense, i want lisa back! :( so today i went online to check and make sure that everything was ok with my checking account and my retard mom just screwed it all up. i had given her a check and then asked her to not cash it. so i gave her cash instead. so yesterday she went and cashed it anyways. now i'm overdrawn and my check for russia will bounce! ugh! so sick of checking accounts! i hate taking care of money and making sure there's the right amount in it still. cash is so much easier! oh well whatever, but i'm giving my mom serious crap when she gets home!

back to school

2008-01-25T03:38:00.000-08:00

well i just completed my first week back at school. i was suprisingly excited to be back since i started getting really bored during my vacation time. i enjoy all my classes so that's always good. i have history, oceanography, dance history, hip hip, and social problems. i have wonderful professors and friends in my classes, which makes the semester so much better. so all in all i think it will be a good semester. however, my manager keeps making me open and its exhausting. by the time i get home from school and finish all my homework, its pretty late. then i have to start work at 4 in the morning. i'm not sure i can keep this up. i have been going on alot of bike rides with the kids in our house and occationally with the mom. it's been awesome to get some excercise again. i look forward to getting back in shape again. well speaking of work, i should head over there, i have another glorious 8 hour shift. yuck! have a great weekend all of you!

santa rosa plateau

2008-01-19T16:27:00.000-08:00

well on thursday and today, i went to santa rosa plateau. its a cool place to visit. i enjoy it alot. thursday i went with lauren and it was cool that we got to have a time of fellowship and everything. today was really cool too though becuase i went back up there. me, carissa, and jake went up. (jake's the guy in the trash bag below) it was alot of fun. we went on the trail and then we went exploring off of it and found good climbing trees and a secret meadow. it was alot of fun, deffinetly an adventure. after that i cleaned the house and then hung out at jakes. now i just got home from a work party. it was alot of fun hanging out with everyone but then they started getting wasted to me and carissa left. now i should go to bed since i have church in the morning

are you kidding me?

2008-01-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

well we had our first russia meeting with the people who were for sure going. cassie robertson is the only one that i already know on the team other than deena sharp. so i have a whole new team this year. i got to meet all of them and they are an amazing team. i'm really excited to be working with them. along with the meetings come the money requirements. i pretty much have to come up with another $1,000 in the next 2 or 3 weeks. yeah scary. i know God will provide what is needed for the trip if He wants me to go and i need to have faith that He will. sometimes it's hard though. we try to work things out with our own logic and it doesn't always work. well most of this week has been wasted as i continue to hang around my house. school has started for most people already so the hangouts are limited. well school starts next week and then i will be a busy bee once again. i got my books yesterday too, none of them seem too bad so that's good. me and cassie have some of our classes together too, so that will make make up work from russia alot easier. well i have to work in the morning so i should probably go to bed. goodnight/good morning all. have a blessed week!

clean: inside and out retreat

2008-01-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

this is one of the people i met on the retreat.
well i haven't updated in a while, that's for sure. my christmas was wonderful, i went to san diego to visit my family and i got to see my new baby cousin. she's so beautiful! new years i actually spent sleeping because i had to work at 4am the next day but that's ok. the rest of my winter break has been good. i have been enjoying no school alot! its been giving me alot of opportunities to do things and just hang out. this weekend i went to a winter retreat up in the mountains here. it was so awesome! i was one of the counselors or leaders on the trip. i got like no sleep but it was so worth it! i learned so much about God this weekend. i actually ran into a girl i hadn't seen in a long time. i was her counselor on another retreat and desare told me she got saved on that trip! how exciting is that!!! so its been a very cool experience with God and with other people. i've met some amazing people that i would love to continue relationships with. i start school back up on tuesday, so we'll see how that goes. have a blessed week guys!!!

its the most wonderful time of the year

2007-12-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

its's finally christmas time!!!!!!!!!
well i am officially done with the semester. it was honestly the worst semester i have had, it was really hard and i don't think i did good in my classes but whatever. i have plenty of other semesters to do well anyways. i am really glad to have a month break before school starts again! i really need it! to answer your question ivan, i haven't started preparing for english camp. i have started saving yes, but as far as starting to get thing i'm going to need, no. i went ice skating for the third time yesterday. i still stink at it but its alot of fun. me and the girls are sore from it but i still think we will be going back again soon. i talked to toni last night and he finally updated me on alex (my ex). that boy is just looking for trouble. he is going back to his old ways already. he needs to learn how to change and commit to God or he will never get anywhere in life. well its his decision not mine. all i can do is pray for him. i'm not sure what i'm going to be doing during christmas break other than trying to get as many hours as possible to save for russia. hopefully some good times will be included. well, i have to go clean the house since my mom's best friend is coming to california tomorrow. "merry christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

thanksgiving

2007-11-26T17:12:00.000-08:00

well we had thanksgiving. there was lots of giving as in giving of lectures. yeah i got in trouble for not cleaning the bathroom. my mom made me cleaning that morning, which made me late for work. yep, i worked on thanksgiving, with a horrible cold. oh well, it got me out of babysitting my crazy cousins. i was able to see daniel too, since he was down in cali for thanksgiving. saturday, i had practice for the play all day. i was able to go and hang out with the girls from work that night though too. we went to dinner and then stampede. yep yep, dancing is exactly what i needed. yesterday i was able to spend some time with faith again. that was good. i haven't been able to spend much time with her lately. we ran lines for a while and then just hung out. we got to talk to sarah from florida for a while too. that was pretty sweet! i have a couple papers coming up because the semester's coming to an end. finals and everything are getting ready to happen and i'm a little stressed but excited that the break is almost here! well i have to get to the tech rehearsal but have an amazing week!

how does one save?

2007-11-07T08:24:00.000-08:00

well onborder="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5130137185678461586" /> once again i have slacked off on my blogging duties. in my defense i have been very busy and forgetful. well the family force 5 concerts were amazing! way better than i thought they'd be. we actually got to hang out with them and everything! those are pictures from the concert up above. school is going ok, i'm sick of it as always but that's ok. i'm almost done with school though. i have about 4 or 5 more weeks. i'm also working on my schedule for next semester. i'm trying to get fast track or online classes so i don't have to worry about school during english camp. i'm getting really excited to go back, it was so awesome when we went last year and i can't wait to do it again. i gotta start saving up hardcore. i gotta put my money in a safe place and hide the key so i don't use it haha. work's goin pretty good right now, we have several new people but they're all really cool. two of them are christians too so that's a plus. i think my main problem lately is that i've been super lazy. i intend to work on my online class or take care of whatever and instead i end up watching a movie, playing on the internet, or sleeping. i really need to work on that. so ivan, we're in this one together. :) have an amazing week guys!

back in action

2007-10-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

well it has certainly been a while since i last posted. i have been very busy lately with school, work, and everything else. i am working a regular amount of hours once again and will try to start posting more often. not a whole lot has changed in the last month. i have mostly been doing the same thing as i do everyday. well i tried to drop my statistics class today but i missed the deadline by a day. i'm not sure what i will do about that. there is no way i can pass that class. i think i will talk to the office and see if there is some way to still drop that stupid class. i went to a kutless concert on friday so that was pretty cool. they're concerts are always fun. i am so excited though because i am going to see family force 5 on thursday and saturday. i love those guys! the concerts are all the way in la and anaheim. we have a little bit of a drive but it won't be too bad. stuff at starbucks is starting to change too. we have 4 people who are changing stores. it should be interesting to see who gets promoted now. i kinda want to be so i can get a raise and more hours for russia. we'll see how it goes. i'm still in search of a warm coat for next years trip. lindsey is going to need her jacket this year so i can't borrow it this time around. not sure where to look, everywhere i go, the coats are super expensive. any ideas guys? well i should get some homework done but any help would be appreciated. God bless!

magic mountain

2007-09-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

well i believe my last post was almost a week ago. it's probably time to change that. well wednesday and thursday were normal days nothing super duper exciting. i don't think there was anything super exciting on friday either. i had to close at work that day though. that stunk especially since we had to be at the church at 7 the next day. saturday we went to six flags magic mountain. it was alot of fun and also very scary. those rides are so intense! there was only one that i didn't get on, i have been on it before and i didn't like it. they have a new ride called tatsu that's really cool. you basicly ride on your stomach, the whole ride you fly like superman. it's fun. we ended up staying until the park closed. i slept on the two hour drive home but we didn't get home until 2am. it was very late. we all had church in the morning too. we went to church and smacked each other when one of us fell asleep. afterwards i had play practice. today was the read through so we all just sat there for the first day. i also had to close at work last night and now i'm at school. as you can imagine, i'm a little tired. the excitement for the day yesterday was that my cousin had her baby. her name is iris aurora! i'm so happy for tamsin! yay! my first cousin to have a baby! also, after church alex came and talked to my dad. he wanted to get my dad's blessing to date me before we went official and everything. it went alot better than i thought. i thought it would be really awkward and everything but it wasn't. mostly it was just my dad being really really nervous. haha. well, until next time...

swing dancing

2007-09-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

well its been yet another week. this weekend was pretty cool. me, alex, lauren, janae, carissa, and katrina went swing dancing on friday. it was alot of fun except for the fact that none of us remembered how to swing dance. it didn't end up lasting very long because of it. we ended up going out to denny's afterwards which was really yummy. we ended up getting home at like 2 or 3am. it was pretty late. i had to work on saturday too, i was pretty tired. sunday was good. i went over to andrew's house. we watched the chargers vs bears game. it was actually a good game, i was suprised that the chargers could beat somebody especially the bears. weird. it was fun though becuase we were all rooting for different teams and it was getting crazy as always. irma made some really good bbq too! i ate so much! i was really full and sick. then i drove home and my mom had dinner waiting for me so i had to eat again! it was crazy, i haven't been that full since thanksgiving! i had to go to work all full like that too. at least i wasn't hungry so i didn't eat any more of the pastries. school on monday was decent, nothing super exciting. i was really tired in biology though and i kept falling asleep. i felt kinda bad but if that teacher would stop being so monotone we wouldn't be falling asleep. i closed the store last night too, so now i'm at school really tired. i don't really like wednesdays anymore because they're so long. i have school all day and then i have church right after. i have to open in the morning too! so after church tonight i gotta go straight to bed since i have to be at the store at 4am! well i'm still very tired and i have about an hour and a half till i have my class but that's ok. anyways, have a great week everyone!

questions about russia

2007-09-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

well i have been sick with a flu for about two or three days now. it's not cool. i hate when i can't eat! i called out of work on sunday so i didn't want to call out again last night. i felt too bad about bailing on everybody on sunday. i still feel like crap but its a little bit better than it was. so that's good. they went easy on me at work and let me take longer breaks since they knew i was still sick. alex knew i was still sick so he called me at work. i was way busy though so i wasn't paying attention. i felt bad. then i went to break and brandy called me out saying there was some guy waiting for me. so i went out there all weirded out wondering who would be there. dude, alex came and bought me a flower to make me feel better. how did i get a good christian guy, i will never know, but i'm glad i did. God has truely blessed me even in my stupidity. i don't deserve any of this. i screwed up and still he allows me to have this relationship. He is truely amazing and i owe Him big time! in other news, i had been very seriously wondering about if i should go or not. i didn't tell any of my friends about my concerns but just prayed about it. then i went and talked to three diff friends and said pray and have God say yes or no and give me a verse. they all said yes and the verse was go into all the world and preach the gospel. that sounds like i'm supposed to go back to russia, don't you think? i'm excited! i'm going back to my other home!

beach baptism

2007-09-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

well sunday was our church's annual baptism. it was alot of fun. after church we all went down to oceanside and had a bbq and hung out. then we had the actual baptism and lauren got baptised! it was awsome! layne, our youth leader took us out on his boat too. that was tons of fun! we went out into the ocean and then he just told us to jump out of the boat. so we got to go swimming way out there. that was cool. we also had a bonfire and did worship and smores too! yummy! i'll post pictures from it later when i get them from my dad. yesterday was labor day, so we all had school and work off. me, lauren, janae, and alex all went to bj's for some of that famous pazzookie! (its a giant doughy cookie with ice cream on top) then we went and saw superbad over in murrieta. it was superbad but it was funny too. so that was fun, it was just some nice time of hanging out. sometimes that's exactly what we need. i also went to another storms game last night. that was fun. the storms won, yay! anyways, i still have to do my homework for tomorrow. have a great week!

birthday suprises

2007-08-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

well almost done with my second week of school. yay! only 14 more weeks to go. my classes really aren't that bad. i thought biology was going to be alot worse than it really is. i am excited to say that i just might make it through this semester alright. eww yesterday i had to spend the day doing nasty coffee tastings. i hate straight up brewed coffee, its sick. i felt way sick after all of that but its ok. i'm almost done trying all the coffees so it's almost over. i'm excited about trying all the teas though, i love tea. right now i'm in the caff at school waiting for carissa's class to get out and then go to my statistics class. tomorrow is aug 30 and therefore alex's birthday. yep its true. he totally thinks i'm working tomorrow but he doesn't know that i got it off. i still need to call his sister emily and find out what restaurants he likes and make sure they don't have any plans for his birthday but we have a basic idea of what we want to do. he's expecting to just go out to dinner or something with lauren and janae. what he doesn't know is that i'll be at the restaurant waiting for him. hehe yeah i do love suprises. i'm crazy like that. we're also going to set up some cookies or cake or something at youth group for everyone to celebrate his birthday. i can't wait to see his shocked face. it shall be fun. until next time, have a blessed week! "good things come to those who love God" that's the quote for the day even though its actually a verse. :)

school is boring, just so you know

2007-08-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

just a picture from the sleepover last week. well i started school on monday. ugh! i'm already over it but that's ok. it's been good having someone i know in my classes though. the last year and a half, i've been on my own and now i have carissa. that's been a major blessing. so that's basickly what's been going on with school. not gonna lie though, i'm a lil excited. i realized how stupid i was for liking my friend for like a week. yeah i think i was just convincing myself that i liked him becuase i wanted someone to like. i know i'm way weird. it worked out for the better that he didn't like me though cause there's a new addition to our church. his names alex and that's all i'm gonna tell ya for now. it's quite promising though we want to wait it out. it's better to take things slow and get to know each other first. yep. the end.

we begin again

2007-08-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

so another school year has began. today was the first day of fall semester, unfortunately. i thought that this summer would be time for me to recover from school but i'm still just as tired and don't want to deal with school at all. such is life i guess. well i had all my classes except philosophy which starts on wednesday. they were decent classes, just not all that interesting. i took all the hard and boring ones this semester so i could get them over with and have the easier ones for while i'm in russia. yes i thought it was a good plan too. we started school at 7am this morning, rather early don't you think? it felt horrible! i can't wait till i get used to it and it doesn't feel so bad anymore! i already have homework in all of my classes, that's not normally a very good sign. oh well, at least carissa is taking all the classes with me that will make them much more enjoyable. this week holds nothing super exciting. sunday will be the church baptism though, i'm pretty excited about that. i'm also excited because we are supposed to go to six flags on sep 15, i have only been there once and it should be pretty fun. right now i am at school just waiting for carissa to get out of her math class orientation and then we can go home. friday night i had faith and some of the girls from church over for girls night. i will post some pictures soon so you can see how crazy and ridiculous we are. so until then, have a wonderful week!

prayer please

2007-08-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

please continue to pray for my grandma as she isn't healed yet. also, please pray for my friend ally, she might have cancer and she's only 19, she still has her whole life! i think her tumors wont be cancerous though. my friend shiloh also needs prayer. he's really been messing up his life this past year and now he's in the hospital because of it. he tried to commit suicide and almost completely succeeded. he's pretty seriously messed up right now. pray that God would spare his life and renew him. man! why is everything falling apart!?

kasdfkl;jdfiondf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

well this summer has indeed been an interesting one. its been continuous ups and down and i'm tired of it. its draining to the point where i just felt sick and disgusting today. just nonstop things happening like being interested in my friend and then being shut down, being excited to see my friend after a summer long missions trip, to have him leave a week later because he decided to move, to my best friends engagement, to my grandma's illness. its been up and down for a couple weeks now. i just want a break! what the heck was all that about this morning? my freakin mom comes in this morning asking me to take my sister to a doctor's appointment because she's gonna go see grandma. ugh! fine! i take her to the appointment. only to find out that she's not just visiting, grandma's seriously ill! faggot! my mom never tells me the whole situation! gosh! i'm freakin 19 years old! i'm not 5! i'm old enough to know when my grandma's ill! sometimes i hate the way that b*tch covers up everything! she told me my aunt katherine was sick like 2 yrs ago and next thing i know, my mom's going to her funeral. (which i wasn't allowed to go to!) i was 16!!! then last summer when vera was sick, i was told she had the stomach flu, you don't die from the stomach flu! she was there the day she died but my mom wasn't adult enough to tell me! at least i was allowed to go to that funeral! now she won't tell me what's going on with my own grandmother!? this sh*t needs to stop now! ugh!!!!! i swear, i've had it!

engagement

2007-08-11T22:21:00.001-07:00

acheivement of the day: putting out the backyard fire. regret of the day: not know many people at the party. well i don't have all that much to say, although every time i say that i end up writing a freakin book. well last night i spent the night at chelsea's house and we finally went to bed at 4am. then i got home and there were people at my house having a party. super weird. then i went to matt's house. well my best friend jessica called me on wednesday to tell me that she was engaged. yeah...super weird feeling. i was just at her fiance's house today for their engagement party. i can't believe she's getting married! we've been friends since we were two! wow, i guess we really are growing up now huh? well i'm exhausted and i have church and work tomorrow, so i should get some sleep.

desperation and confusion

2007-08-07T00:33:00.000-07:00

sometimes i seriously confuse myself. i'm not quite sure what's wrong with me sometimes. half of my brain says one thing and the other half says the other. i wish my mind would decide! or maybe its my heart and brain that are conflicting. i guess that's what makes it confusion, if i understood and had the answer, i wouldn't be confused. emotions are something that carry way too much weight in our lives and i believe that many times they rule over us. i can honestly say, that mine are ruling over me right now though i wish they weren't. my heart keeps pushing me in a direction my brain is so intensely afraid to go, afraid of the outcome, of the unknown. is this the direction i'm supposed to be headed? is this worth the risk i'm taking? our friendship is so important to me and sometimes i wonder if taking this risk is worth it. is risking my friendship for a chance at a relationship worth it? are these feelings true? are they going to lead me in a positive direction or one toward destruction? is this all just a distraction to mess with my renewed walk with God? sometimes i wish i had the strength and motivation to fully stay focused on my walk with God and not get distracted by guys or whatever. i need to stay focused on the true romance. Divine romance lyrics-phil wickham The fullness of Your grace is here with meThe richness of Your beauty’s all I seeThe brightness of Your glory has arrivedIn Your presence God, I’m completely satisfiedFor You I sing I danceRejoice in this divine romanceLift my heart and my handsTo show my love, to show my loveA deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from YouOf deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the roomYour innocent blood, has washed my guilty lifeIn Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

hairspray, hairdye, and a waterslide?

2007-07-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry, its very true that i haven't posted in a while. my life has been busy and when i finally get home at night, i want to sleep instead of write. well i spent some time with faith, she stayed with us for a few days to just hang out and everything. that was fun and obviously very crazy. we also had the 5th and 6th grade retreat at our house, we rented a huge waterslide and the kids ran around. it was alot of fun. on sunday i finally got to see my cousin again! i haven't seen her in 5 years. it was alot of fun to be able to hang out with her again. after that i went to my friend natalie's house and she cut my hair way shorter than it was! ahhh! i miss my hair! she died it red and blonde though, its awsome, i love it. other than that, i have really just been working and reading. i'm almost done with the last harry potter book, its exciting and sad at the same time. i don't want it to be over. well my sister's friend is coming over today to hang out and we're going to fill up the pool, yeah i know its late in the summer but hey this is california, it'll be hott for another couple months. i'm excited though, a group of us are going to chipotle for dinner and then seeing hairspray, it should be a good one. :) hope you all have a blessed week!

LA is scar-ay

2007-07-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

well we went to the beach for the week and pretty much just relaxed. joseph came over for a couple hours and that didn't exactly go well. my family almost killed me when they saw him, i guess i can't blame them, i thought he was a freak when i met him too. we're just friends though, it's not like we're getting together or anything so i don't see the big deal. we also went to LA for the weekend. me, sarah, and corissa went to csun to check out the school and see if we liked it. it was awsome, it's totally where i want to go next year for school. the only thing was that when we got back to my car, the tire was flat. we had to wait for AAA to put the spare on instead. we wanted to take the car to the mechanics but they were already closed, so unfortunately we couldn 't go swing dancing. then the next day we were going to go to the fashion district but alas, my tire was still flat. we took it to get it patched and they guy told us there was nothing wrong with the tire and that someone probably took the air out. he filled it back up and sent us on our way. an hour later it was flat again. so we took it to another place and it took two hours to get my tire taken care of. we hung out in the apple store until they called. so my car aka katrina, kinda killed our weekend but we still had fun despite her short comings. other than that, i went to church yesterday, had a church meeting at my house, and cleaned out my closet today. ugh! i can't believe how much junk i had in there! well, i have work in the morning so i should go to sleep. have an amazing night, guys! sleep well and i'm praying for ya!

sleep is a powerful thing and boy do i miss it

2007-07-08T14:41:00.000-07:00

well we did go dancing last night and got home around 3am so i'm pretty tired. it was alot of fun though, there was a whole group of us girls going to the stampede to go dancing. we were so ridiculous, none of us knew the dances at all! haha. well i went to church this morning dead tired and with x's still on my hands but that's ok. everyone thought i was sick because my voice was going, i think it was from all the yelling over the music last night though. after church the family finished packing up the rv, they just left a minute ago. it stinks, they're at the beach relaxing and i have to go to work. oh well, at least i like the people i'm working with. everyone at church wants me to go bowling but i have got to take a nap before work tonight or i wont make it... i feel really guilty for some reason. yesterday when i found out that sean's girlfriend had been cheating on him, i was slammed with guilt. it was very weird. it's almost like if i hadn't been avoiding it, we would be together and he never would have ended up with her, and never been hurt. somehow i have made this all my fault. i don't understand why i am doing that but i am. i put everyone's problems on my own shoulders. i've decided that i care too much about people. on the bright side, my worries might not be in vain; faith is finally starting to do better i think.

boys...i tell ya!

2007-07-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

so once again i must begin my ranting and raving on how much guys frustrate me. all day yesterday i was being hit on! it's so stupid, i can't go anywhere without being bugged! like i took my sister and her friend to the mall yesterday and the guy in the store kept hitting on me. guys c28 is a christian store, it should be a safe haven but i dread going in there because i know that guy works there. christian pick up lines are just ridiculous too, its really hilarious. he was totally trying to use them on me. even mikaela picked up on it, she's like 12. she looked at me and she's like that guy really likes you. i was like you think? i realized that forever ago! then i go to work and get it again. i don't know about this whole thing. he has a freakin girlfriend! go enjoy your girlfriend and leave me alone please. whatever. anyways, i have work again tonight but i'm not sure who i'm working with. me and mom are probably going to get pedacures for the beach next week. which by the way i won't be on the internet pretty much all week because we'll be at the beach and then i'm going to my aunt's in LA. well i better go get dressed and ready for the day cause i'm going out dancing tonight! yay!

God bless America and other such patriotism

2007-07-05T23:34:00.000-07:00

i actually wrote this yesterday for the 4th of july but here it is: it's kinda been a while hasn't it? wow, i am officially a slacker. that's ok though, i'm american and therefore i am allowed to sit on my butt and take my wealth for granate. it's july 4th and with that comes the need to be patriotic and excited about our beloved country. let us celebrate our laziness, let us celebrate our selfishness. let us celebrate our unappreciated wealth. let us celebrate our freedoms that we don't fully take advantage of. let us celebrate our rights that are slowly being pryed from our relaxed hands. guys, what the heck are we doing!? this is ridiculous! we as americans have everything other countries want! do you ever wonder why they're always watching us? its because we have the power and freedoms that they want so desperately! so what do we do with it? nothing. we sit in front of our computers and play with myspace, we sleep for 12 hours and then watch tv, we go to our prestigious jobs at target to make our 7.50 an hour and spend it on worthless things. this is so completely wrong! just hearing from blake and ivan has really made me realize how ridiculous all of this is! seriously! we have so much and we don't even realize it, even compared to the russians who have become extremely americanized, we have sooo much! why do we live like this? we don't take the time to realize what we have, embrass it, and use it for something more than ourselves. guys, america is a country founded on God, how many other countries can say that? we need to use it for His glory and stop wasting it! guys, God has so much more for us and this country but we're too lazy to do anything about it! we have the power of the almighty God inside of us! the power that created this entire earth is inside of you, and what is it doing? it's crying out to you to use it! embrass it, take it for what it is guys! He's given it to us for a reason, let's not waste it. today as we're watching fireworks and eating BBQ i challenge you to get off your butts and get on your knees for yourselves and for our country.